Mush day...

I Am
by Rosie Baca

Close your eyes and open your mind
There's no limit to the things you'll find
Listen to me closely as I speak
I'll be your strength when you become weak
When you're hurt I'll heal your pain
When you're lost I'll keep you sane

I'll be your eye when you can't see
I'm what ever you'd like me to be
When you cry I'll dry your tears
When you're scared I'll ease your fears
I'll keep you warm when you're cold
I'll love you more as you grow old

I'll pick you up when you fall
I'll come when you call
I'll keep you company when your alone
I'm someone you've always known
I'm your best friend
you can call me your other half

When you're sad I'll make you laugh
Don't bother searching
I'm no where to be found
I'm more or less an encouraging sound
I'm always there
to help you make the right choice

When everything is silent I'm that voice
I'm someone you always knew, I'm you.

After almost three days of worrying it's finally confirmed that my Jagard is checking out of the hospital tomorrow. Thank God.

The feeling is weird. It's like you have no control. You want to hold on to it but you can't. Things can go anyway they want to. That's what I felt when Jagard was rushed to the hospital last Monday. Too much to handle. Helpless. No matter how much I wanted to see him then and there, I can't. If you don't know yet, I'm kinda off limits (in a way) from his family. I don't know how they perceive me. If I'm this person who corrupted their son to gay-dom. They already know that I "was" Jagard's boyfriend. It has been press released to them that we are no longer together. So, going to the hospital would be a tad too close for comfort. That's why I feel so helpless. I want to... but I can't. If I do, I might not see him forever. I'm glad he understands. I was crying that Monday night coz I had no news whatsoever of how my Jagard is doing. I seeked comfort from watching Season Five episodes of Sex and the City (how queer). That made me feel more lonely.

Season Five focused so much on the four girls' friendship. The side of their relationship with each other that audiences don't usually see explicitly. Here, emotions were overpouring. So many questions were raised. Damn Carrie Bradshaw. The entire six episodes... not a single fashion faux pas. Argh!

Anyways, yesterday was more calm for me. Got SMS from Jagard almost the entire day. Called him last night and I cried again. He was still in the hospital. I couldn't bare the feeling of not being there for him while he's in that state. By this time I'm sure you get the fact that I'm such a cry baby.

Now, I'm happy knowing he's gonna be home tomorrow. I'll be able to talk to him. He'll be able to hear me say how much I've missed him, and how much I love him. How much I would never want to go through that two day ordeal again. He he he. I love you, Jagard!

I'm sad... my Jagard is in the hospital. Still unsure if he's going through with an appendectomy or some form of it. He was experiencing pain since this morning and went to the doctor before lunch. His parents were probably worried by early evening when the pain was still there. They rushed him to the hospital an hour ago. I'm just hoping he'll be fine. He can't go to the gym for a while afterwards (if he's going to be operated on). *Sigh*... I've never felt something like this before. Worry. Scared. Unsure. I pray that he'll get through this safely. I love you Jagard!

Looked at the website of the Asian Development Bank yesterday. Checked out if there are positions I can consider. I always thought I'd end up in that institution when I was still in college. I am still an economist by heart.

Sadly, after going through the list of positions that are open, I can't find anything I was interested in. Most of the positions were admin and research, positions I would've been semi-interested in before. Now, I was actually looking for I.T. jobs. Eeep, I'm a full blown I.T. person now. Ugh.

I also checked out the market for I.T. consultants in the U.S. and there are a lot of positions. For obvious reasons, I'm not so keen on applying. Wish it was that easy. Seeing that I'm from a reputable company, I would think it's easier for me to move on to other companies. Damn money problems. Bugger. I just can't wait till my next assignment. Show me the money!!!!!

I finally have time to write something relevant... bottom line is, my family is now (semi) broke.

A brief history, my mom retired April of 2001 at the age of 55 (i think). She saved up money from years of working. She had the house remodelled. I chipped in. After two years since the house was dressed up, we're now non-liquid. My dad hasn't worked since the early 80s so that's not even a good place for me to seek financial comfort from.

Basically, now that both my parents are not working and are no longer earning, I'm the one who's to take the responsibility of putting food on the table. I am up for it, don't get me wrong. It's just that I feel I'm too young to have such responsibilities as earning a living for the family. My status now is head of family and God knows what tax excemptions I get from the friggin' government.

I had to give up independence for a while since my parents need me for now. My mom's planning on selling the house and get a new one, smaller, enough for both of them. I on the other hand would get my independence by then. It was a tough decision on my part but I already knew what my decision was the moment I heard the words "would you be able to help us out?"... I'm not used to this. It's annoying me the past couple of weeks.

Called a meeting with my parents a week ago and told them that all of us need to pitch-in in order to survive this family crisis. My dad, as always, unaffected. My mom's all... "I'm tired of earning a living... it's all up to you guys now... I wanna do things I want to do for a change..." blah blah blah. Not good. I promised my mom I would give her 20K which she needs to pay for mortage, utility bills, etc. I am still to give 5K a month for food. Damn, that's 10K every month. Major bugger. I'm still paying for gasoline for the car. I hope this will soon pass.

I'm just glad my boyfriend is always there to give me words of encouragement. For as long as he doesn't bug me in any way about anything, I think I won't snap. I'm very edgy these past few weeks. Emotional, yes. Smiling... always!

Days have gone by so fast, I can't even take a breather to think of what happened. But I can say "thank you" to a dear friend who helped me make this blog functional again. It needs more tweaking and I hope he won't run out of patience for my ignoramous mind. Thanks Nelz for everything.

I'm changing my commenting system. So sorry. Please pray that this works. Damn YACCS is acting up!

I can't believe this whole blog updating thing can be soooo annoying. All these changes that need to be made. Sometimes makes me think that I should've have touched it at all. But change was inevitable. Change is constant.

Hmmmm... something's different. Whatever it is, I wish it would make things better. Have I got some interesting stories lately. Will post later.

Fuck today. Started really bad. Didn't have food on the table. My mom just left for church. Argh. Went to work and hoped my morning would go well after a big breakfast from McDonald's (who knows why I'm craving for it). There's a new McDonald's branch near the office and for some reason, other offices too. Friends and I went there to see tons of people lining up just get their friggin' sundae or pancakes... to go. UGH! I wish I trusted my instincts by just grabbing a bite at Starbucks. Nasty appetite.

On a different note, I feel that my hair was really kind to me today. I think I was able to tame it with that L'Oreal Out-Of-Bed thingie. Nicely messed up. I love it. I'm hoping to see my honey later. *crossed fingers*. I'm starting to be a bit horny. Waaahhh... I also can't wait for Saturday (tomorrow). I will be conducting a church choir so the first rehearsal I will be attending to would be tomorrow, I'm excited. Although I may not see my honey come rehearsal time, he understands that I want to do this and I'm hoping for his support. *mwah to my honey* Weekend's near. Can't wait!