Words that profess love always get to me... argh!... I'm such a sap!

"What have you done to me? I'm so in love with you right now. I don't think I can let you go. I don't want to share you either. I love you so much it hurts..." - this from a guy who wasn't always so emotional when it comes to the yucky love stuff... it counts a lot!

I love him with all my heart.

Christmas just went by so quickly. My group performed at the Manila Peninsula which is equivalent to The Plaza of Manhattan. We basically sang carols and pop songs to the delighted crowd. Made me feel all good inside to know that we were able to entertain the people who watched us perform.

With the three nights that we sang our hearts out to the guests of the hotel, my honey wasn't able to see or hear us. He was unavailable. He felt bad that he couldn't devote much time for me the past few days. I understand. Commitments can't be easily dissed. They are kept. I would just want him to know that for as long as I know that if he could go, he would've, then I'm content. Intentions have plus points too.

He gave me a bottle of Clinique Happy... and told me that he can stay over at my place (note: I still live with my parents which is pretty common here in the Philippines given that I'm still 24). I actually think that the staying over at my place thingie was better than the perfume, but who am I to complain when receiving gifts, I love gifts.

His blog talks about some things which happened the last few days which I really don't want to talk about much. Maybe sometime soon. I do however love the fact that the outcome of it all is that we both ended up loving each other more.

I miss having a bialy and coffee with him at this cafe where we had breakfast the day before Christmas. I love the fact that my mom acknowledges him as my boyfriend and that I don't have to "hide" his existence. He's legit! My mom's starting to become a flame dame... she'd make such queer comments that would get me frozen. My mom's cool and I love her.

Today's been freakishly busy for me. Tons of backlog with work. I hate it. Annoying subordinates. They take their vacations before completing their tasks. I swear to God. I wish they'd be more considerate sometimes. *sigh* Well, on a lighter note, my friends and I are meeting up with a friend who entered the brotherhood for La Sallian Brothers (FSC). He's been there for more than a year and I would think that during the holiday season, they would get time to spend with their families meaning time to go out as well. I hope he's doing great. I'll catch up with him and the other at Greenbelt Mall in half an hour. I'm suddenly craving for food from MYLK (My Little Kitchen). Oh wellz... :)

It's been eight months with Jagard and I think I'm loving him more now than ever before. Mostly because of the fact that I know him more now. I've seen how he is. We've gone through much the past few months. Of course I am also anticipating more things to come, good and bad. We're still planning that wild trip to Bangkok... hopefully soon. I can't wait. Last night was great. Gave him a semi lap dance. Ha ha ha... It was fun. I loved talking to him face to face, eye to eye. Only an inch of space between our faces. He said I have nice eyes. What a sweetie.

This week will be another grind for me. Things just keep coming. I really hope I can take this much pressure. Been listening to this CD my honey lent me. It's actually quite good. Various sounds. They call it World Music. I guess I should know what World Music is but I can't really say that I do. But this CD is giving me insights on what various music can be like. I always liked Enya.

Hiya peeps... I have yet to gain inspiration to write the lost journal entry... meanwhile... my honey now has his own blog. You could check it out by clicking this link --> Jaguar Lord.

Most of the time, my honey really ends up getting me all reved up for something exciting. Other times, he gets me to unleash my inner Tao, my Oprah. The weekend was quite interesting. Got to talk to him about ourselves, and how we see each other. I'm glad he now knows that everytime I'm with him, and taken to somewhere alien to me... like a comic book store... I feel like I'm transported into his realm. The realm of the Jagard. Funny thing is, I feel safe. Mostly because I know he's there to show me around. I love it. :) I like the fact that I can share these short moments with him. I'd like for him to know that each visit to these stores get me more and more indulged in his world. Not to be sucked in but to gain the ability to live in it. A dual citizenship of sorts. Bohemia and Arcadia (can't think of a cooler counterpart).

The week's a mess.. I need to organize my time!

What a weekend...

Friday... helluva drive to my alma mater (De La Salle University). It took me almost two hours to get to a place that's hmmm... maybe 4 mi away from my office. Anyway, I was riding with a friend and eventually dropped her off in front of the university and I went off to pick up my honey at the nearby mall. He was so pooped when I saw him get in the car. Poor baby. We headed back to the school and parked the car. Knowing we were late, we still enjoyed the nice cool breeze (yes folks, there was a breeze in Manila). I was singling out some spots in the school to my honey, mentioning names of buildings and stuff like that. It was fun. Showing him where I spent some of the more unforgetable moments of my life.

Got to the La Salle main chapel, people were already singing. My friends were already seated on the left side of the chapel. The atmosphere was amazing. The performers (also friends of mine) were doing arias from various operas. These singers have not had formal vocal training and they sing as if they were professionals. Amazing really. Last year I was part of the list of performers and did "Nessun Dorma" from Pucini's Turandot. When we got there, I was hearing Vittoria by some composer being sung by a friend and she sounded amazing. All the performers did. It was such a treat!

After the recital, we all decided to head on out for dinner (late dinner that is). Went to The Power Plant Mall and ate at Dencio's. It was so much fun as people would be throwing all these side comments at each other. My honey was away somewhere to check out Page One (a bookstore) and see what they have to offer. Apparently, they have the same books as in Powerbooks, only more expensive. So we chatted the night away till it was about 1ish in the morning and we all had to head off.

The next day was a bit "messy" as plans to head to Tagaytay were still up in the air. Down to the last minute when I asked my dad to take me to me and my friend's agreed on rendezvous. -to be continued- (i think i just ended up deleting my post! FUCK!!!!)

I'm a part of this thread called Issues concerning Straight-Natured Gay Guys and posted a message in response to a couple of messages made to insinuate that being what I am makes me seem self-righteous...

I "uttered"...

On being gay-natured...

Not all gay men exhibit gay qualities and traits (i.e. the stereotype the entire world has linked homosexuality with). Examples of which are being Streisand fanatics, loving Show tunes (for the others, this refers to Broadway music), love for anything artistic, love for classic and romantic literature, and of course, having a fault-less fashion sense.

On straight-natured-ness...

It is possible that a gay man could have no stereotypical "straight" qualities as well as a gay man having not a single trace of "gay" qualities (Jaggy, raise your hand). I for one am not purely straight natured as I exhibit too many gay traits that I could pass for a queen (bwahahahahahaha)... but I also have some "straight" traits that just happen to be things I'm proud of as well. I'm proud of them because they help in defining who I really am.

Declaration of one's straight-natured-ness...

I think I have only declared my "straight-natured-ness" on this thread but people I have contact with (friends, office mates, etc.) don't have labels for me. They see me as who I am and as how they know me.

Empowering faggot-y ole me with my uber macho straight traits...

Hmmm, I love driving. I know a few who can attest to that. I wish I had a Camaro (a yellow one). Sporting activities always give me a rush. I especially like the ones that get generous amounts of adrenalin from your system, i.e. wall climbing, hockey, white water rafting, and so on. Come to think of it, I feel empowered. Not because I have (some) macho traits, but because the activities give me control of things.

Discrimination

Effeminate gay men discriminate as well... they mock their straight natured counterparts because they see them as "self-righteous and egotistic". I think it's just the same. When one uses another person's beliefs, principles, etc. as something to judge that person (negatively or otherwise), it is considered prejudice. When one uses that prejudice to "label" and eventually "discriminate" against a person or group of people... that sucks. But I believe discrimination will never be removed from this planet. For as long as everyone has their own prejudices over anything, it will still be the same. It's all about how one acts on these prejudices that could affect other people and eventually lead to something good or bad.

Sheesh... I never realized how long it has been since last I posted. FEK!

What's wrong with not feeling Chinese

At a swimming gimmick at the nearby country club, me and friends were talking about individual features. I mentioned that I don't seem to think I look Chinese even though I am 7/8th Chinese. Obviously, they laughed. They said I so look Chinese it's not even funny. I honestly never saw myself as having a definitive look, meaning, if someone sees me, they'd initially think I'm Chinese. Not true.

I went into a semi-monologue about how many times it has occured that I have been mistaken for being either Latino or Eurasian. (hence the phrase... "... I am Eurasian..." came to being which I'll talk about later). I would always end up being talked to in Spanish or some even speak Portuguese to me. They would be amazed to find out that I am actually Asian (well, Eurasian... hehehehe).

What the hell do I mean when I say I am Eurasian... I have descended from Euro stock, more specifically British (my grandfather is mixed Chinese-British and was from Hongkong) and Spanish (my grandmother's great grand father was apparently a Spanish friar). Those Euro genes I got from my mother... hence, I almost declared to the entire pool (with other kids, and parents around) that I actually am Eurasian. Obviously, I just announced it to my friends.

No perks really, it just adds some character to my profile. But seriously, how Chinese do look... really? FUCK!

Employee satisfaction is a big deal in the company I work for. They invest so much on coming up with surveys and evaluation of how they are doing when it comes to making the workplace fun and less stressful. They have initiatives like focus group discussions to get input from employees of how the firm is currently dealing with its people.

I have a few things to say but did not get a chance to have them pointed out during one of the focus group discussions I participated in. Just recently, we received information and confirmation of salary increases. I'm relieved to know that we still got an increase even though the market was really bad. What I'm not liking right now is the blatant aesthetic projects the company is undergoing which I know cost much money.

There's this new area in the office which could be an interior designer's masterpiece. In all fairness, the look is fab and really impressive, Herman Miller chairs all over, a possibility of Philippe Starck chairs and tables as well. I love the furniture, but not the price. For a company that's trying to lessen their costs by laying off people or downsizing, they sure know how to buy expensive furniture. The Herman Miller chair alone costs $600 - $850, and there are dozens of them. There is a set of chairs that cost about $2000. For me that's quite expensive. What I don't like about this whole thing is the company openly showing that they can spend millions on furniture, image, etc. but not on its people. WEIRD!!!!

New of bomb threats all over Manila looms this Friday night. Doesn't bother me at all. We never made news like that into such a big deal. I mean when did Filipinos make anything a big deal. Ah... when Judy Ann split up with some budding young actor or when Rico Yan died (God rest his soul!). But bomb threats never shake us. I bet you all them fabulous peeps are still going to be in Malate or Eastwood... hell even Rockwell. Bomb threats aren't made into a big deal.

Even during a time when it should be made into a big deal, especially when just yesterday a few bomb explosions happened south of the county (in Zamboanga), you'd think people would be a tad scared of staying out late. It is because we don't take these threats into such a big deal.

We live life to its fullest by the minute. Death is temporary because life after death is eternal. Oh well, off to the resto and have me some fondue! :) mmmmmmm....

Caught the first episode of "Six Feet Under" last Saturday on HBO. I thought it was a really good series. Cool story line (based on the initial show). Good cast. I love the fact that there's a gay character in the story.

General storyline of the show is there are two brothers who ended up inheriting their deceased father's business, a funeral home. One of the brothers never wanted the whole idea earning a living from the dead just coz he's grossed out by it, while the other, took on much responsibility of managing the business. Their mother having a fling with some guy, and their teenage sister getting it on with this cute guy (in an Eminem-ish kinda way).

Would love to catch the new Hannibal film, "Red Dragon". I dig the dark atmosphere of the Hannibal Lecter (so says my honey) movies... I also have a crush on Edward Norton, he looks like my ex (sorry honey... but know that I don't love my ex anymore). I don't know, I just ended up liking Edward Norton, especially in "Primal Fear". Really cool actor. :)

Thanks to a blog acquaintance of mine, I found something quite interesting to post. The following questions were taken from trixy's blog.

On Shoes

1. What size shoe do you wear? 9 to 10 weird... I know

2. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I counted them last week... I actually own 20ish pairs of footwear

3. What type of shoe do you prefer (boots, sneakers, pumps, etc.)? hmmm... I came to a conclusion (just a few months ago) that I love sandals. I just like the way they look on my feet, especially after going to the nearby parlor to have my semi-monthly cleaning appointments.

4. Describe your favorite pair of shoes. Why are they your favorite? I bought these camel loafers from Ravel (a shoe store in Dublin, Ireland) for approx $70. I pretty much wear them with almost anything. Jeans, khakis, even shorts as long as I use the belt I bought from Topshop (also in Dublin).

5. What's the most you've spent on one pair of shoes? Easy... I bought my first pair of Bally lace ups for almost $200. Got them at the store on Via Veneto when I was in Rome. It was actually a bargain, I thought, since they usually come up to around $300 if you buy them here in the Philippines.

It may sound weird for a guy to have so much shoes but it's a great weekness of mine. I love shoes. Especially the more interesting ones. Can't wait to get my first Gucci's...

Browsed through the internet and found an interesting line from Sex and the City... "some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies."

I realized I'm the latter of the three. I always thought to myself that I deserve someone special. Someone I can be who I am with and just flirt endlessly with. Someone to give me the reason not to look at any other guys anymore. I'm happy that I am settled... for now. I know that I won't be galavanting around town looking for someone else. I'm happy with who I am with.

I know of other people who are just not the settling kind. They end up with people they initially think they're going to love forever but give or take a month, they're back to blessed single-hood. Contentment is bliss. I also believe one can't be content if one does not get what he feels he needs.

Love's desires...

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks
for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude... (Kahlil Gibran)

Is this what every human being desires for? Love? No matter what people hear about it, is it really worth all the pain and suffering one feels? Is it really what we seek? How much of ourselves is actually given to our loved one? Why am I sounding weird?

For the past (almost) six months, I have loved (and still do) one man. Though times have been rough on both of us, there's a part of me that feels the fulfillment of having someone there to care for and shallow as it may sound, to make love to.

I have lately recalled how it was that me and my boyfriend got together. Fun thoughts, really. I'm more focused on the fact that one would never know what one has until it's gone. I've been to states like that. A simulated parting if you may consider it. It really hurts. It's like I know how bad I'll really feel if I part ways with my honey. If I remember correctly, it crossed my mind twice. Two occassions that could've ended things. One was of my doing, the other was his. But it would seem that on both instances, I ended up appreciating him more. In fact, I appreciate him much more now.

His dad has been sick for almost a month now and I was concerned. Although I have never met or seen his parents before, I somehow have a connection with them. I always make note during times of weird conversation that I shouldn't sound like my boyfriend's mom. I wouldn't want to get the same from him. His dad seems interesting. In a way, he reminds me of my own dad. Sometimes rational, most times really annoying as hell.

I also ended up thinking how it will be if we really reach that stage of having to care of one another. It's scary and yet it excites me. I really don't know when things will become more serious for both of us. Serious meaning, we'll live together. Individual eccentricities, proclivities, idiocyncracies... all too exciting.

Funny thought came to me just now... I want to announce why I think President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is a good president... a la Grade One composition:

I think she's a good president because...

... she's a bitch and she knows it. How many presidents can act the way she does. I love her for it.

... she does things no sane president would do... that MIB Photo of her and a few cabinet officials was a testament to that.

... the woman surfs. Nuff said.

... she also goes scuba diving... whatta trip!

She's sometimes an ass... but who isn't? (ok, I know Mother Teresa or Pope John Paul the 2nd could be exceptions)

=)

My honey sent me an email on personality traits exhibited by people born on a certain month... for me, here's what it said:

SEPTEMBER
Suave and compromising, Careful, cautious and organized, Likes to point out people's mistakes, Likes to criticize, Quiet but able to talk well, Calm and cool, Kind and sympathetic, Concerned and detailed, Trustworthy, loyal and honest, Does work well, Very confident, Sensitive, Thinking, Generous, Good memory, Clever and knowledgeable, Loves to look for information, Must control oneself when criticizing, Able to motivate oneself, Understanding, Fun to be around, Secretive, Loves sports, leisure and traveling, Hardly shows emotions, Tends to bottle up feelings, Choosy especially in relationships, Loves wide things, Systematic.

Looks like everything mentioned is true! CREEPY!!!

What a fun day this has been... woke up early this morning but got out of bed an hour after (try to figure that out)...

My mom gave me a kiss on the forehead with a smile to go with it. I can't remember how much of those I got when I was still little. And how much of those I'd want to get now that I'm an adult.

I asked my dad if he could take me all the way to the office as I have boxes of brownies to carry. He agreed. No questions asked. Drove off to work. Traffic wasn't so bad. It prolly took us 45 mins to get to the office. (I told my dad I had an 8:30AM meeting - which I did). Got to work on time. Second floor... I'm thinking to myself how much I hate birthdays, you always end up tired of saying thank you's.

As I walked inside our office, various colors greeted my eyes, balls of air floating all over. It was amazing. Balloons! I was honestly shocked. As I walked about four meters forward, behind me people were singing "Happy Birthday!" holding bags of stuff from the nearby Starbucks (they know I'm an addict). It was amazing. Fun fun fun!

My officemates gave me a gift... a box of flavored cigars (Coffee Caprichos) and a black leather wallet. 'Twas so cool of them. So now I take back what I said an hour ago... I love birthdays!

What a day... Got home at 2AM this morning, and woke up at 9ish AM. Ugh...

The day started unpleasantly until I came across this site (thanks to my ever so reliable blog buddy Nelz for this fabulous site. :) Get me some of them bachelors... yee haw!

Cosmo Bachelors

Be still my heart... sorry honey... I rarely get these palpitations

I was trying to brighten up my week by going through some random blogs I'd find in other people's bloglists...

Came across this blog of friends prolly from CA (not sure, I'd have to check again) hump.dekarabaw.com... It initially goes "something sure to offend"... but I know people should not take things like these seriously... Here goes...


courses i think they should offer in college:

*Accounting 127 - Accounting For All Them Chinese People Wandering Around In Jamaica
*Biology 165 - Seriously, What The Hell Is In This Siopao?
*Communication 151 - How To Communicate With White People
*Dance 162 - Interpretations Of The Chinese Experience
*English 134 - When You Can't Understand Your Vietnamese Barber
*Ethnic Studies 174 - How To Tell The Difference Between Indians And Pakistanis
*Filipino American Studies 182 - In Heaven Do They Have The Filipino Channel?
*Finance 118 - I Buy This Shit In California And Find Out It's Made In The Philippines?
*History 178 - The Short History Of Scandanavian Hip-Hop
*Mathematics 195 - Estimating The Number Of Black People Who Have Appeared On Friends
*Music 106 - Why, In The Name Of All That Is Sacred In This World, Do They Play Eminem's Videos on BET?
*Religious Studies 149 - Praying For People Who Think J-Lo Is The Virgin Mary
*Physics 187 - Fun With Street Racing Fatalities
*Psychology 150 - Differentiating Between Crazy Asian People, Crazy Black People, Damn Crazy White People, And People You Meet In College Who Are Just Plain CRAZY.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

And here I thought a shop in Dublin, Ireland called Knobs and Knockers (a door knob and door knockers store) took the cake for having the weirdest name I've encountered, I come across an actual town called Intercourse, PA. Read the link. Quite interesting. Thanks to my blog buddy Karlo.

I've been spending two days now on Visual Basic training. It's actually pretty good. Food is not scarce. I'm afraid I'm gaining weight. I need to check soon. Also, this week has been quite tough for me. I need to make do with a few hundred bucks just to get by. I never talked about my sky-rocketing credit card bills and I don't intend to. Let's just say, I could've gotten myself tickets to Europe for two with what I have to pay now. Oh well.

Argh! I need to check if Sex and the City is showing tonight. I doubt it though. But who knows. :)

Weekend was fine. Friday night was a blast. Saturday was cool. Sunday fantabulous :)

Didn't even get drunk on the four glasses of gin and pomelo, Friday night (which lasted till 5ish in the morning of the next day. Talked about tons of stuff with friends. All 20 of us together at friend's house. Chatted mostly about our past glory. It's so much fun to reminisce.

Saw The Bourne Identity and I really think Matt Damon is just so sexy. The pic was fine. A bit like Art of War by Wesley Snipes but Matt's presence in the film was just yummy for me. Wished there was at least one hot scene with him and hmmm... well, just him.

Had much fun with my honey the same night. Nah, won't tell the details. Might be too graphic for my own good. Might even end up with a stiffie... ha ha ha!

Last night, issue filled. Hillarious wise cracks. Great company. 40 friends in a house. What can you expect. Always love it when these people get together. There's never a dull moment. I even had a chance to participate in a taste test of coffee where I had to rate 6 different brands of coffee. I knew I was into gourmet coffee. I gave it a 7 out of a possible 10. Starbucks and Seattle's Best came next at 6 for each and the others just lagged behind. Although I was shocked at the local brew (Batangas' Kapeng Barako - I honestly don't know the English translation), it tasted pretty good. It probably needed more coffee. The brew wasn't rich enough.

Speaking of coffee. My mom told me French-pressed coffee is still the best. Darn, the French do know how to live life.

Before you start reading, note that the contents below were written a year ago.

On 9/11

This is an email I sent a cousin of mine in the U.S. after he asked me for my opinion about a certain article written by this Canadian. Contained in the email were comments by a friend here in the Philippines and my cousin's reactions to his comments and then my reactions to my cousin's comments. (confusing? he he he)

- this was written five days after the incident occured

"... I saw it(WTC Tragedy) happen as it was being shown on CNN the moment it occured. The utter shock of seeing two of the landmarks of American supremacy being "massacred" was completely unbearable. Knowing how much American pride I have actually absorbed with my short stay in the US, I was really touched and disturbed.

With all the criticisms I've been hearing with in the past few days from different mediums, I really don't know how to react to the inhuman actions set forth on US soil. I feel for the American people, all the hardships America has been through, trempled on by evil acts of terrorism. It definitely is an act against everything the democratic world stands for.

Although I believe that there is a duality in everyone in this world because of the attacks, in a macrocosm, the anti-America and the pro-America. I'm a Filipino, I believe I can say that I am pro-America.

America, so to speak, holds everything I believe in, maybe not all. It saddens me to think that there are elements in our modern world who still live and would die for terrorism. The plans of these terrorists and what they actually did holds much symbolism. The World Trade Center... as it is what it means... WORLD TRADE CENTER... the place for everyone to hold their commercial activities. The attack on this structure symbolizes the attack on the World. The Pentagon, being the stronghold of American(and world) intelligence and military power... same goes. These are structures that symbolize not only America but the free world. Any attack symbolize an attack on us, the believers of a free world.

As my mom would say it, "if America can be attacked like this, anybody or any country can be attacked as well"... It strikes fear on everyone here in the Philippines. With the support of the Philippine government to the US Military and US Government by giving open access to both former US Bases(Clark and Subic) to US Military forces, I believe that says it all and that causes alarm to all Filipinos all over the world. Even if it shows how much we are supportive of the US Government, it makes us a target as well. A developing nation which has issues of its own will now be facing larger and more complicated issues. We have, since the beginning of the 20th Century, bowed down to America.

As for the points my friend had raised, I do believe they were harsh and probably not contemplated on. He does believe in what America stands for in the world but there are just things from personal experience and probably his principles that can't be taken away, maybe for him.

My friend: did america stop capitalising on third world people's money? NO.

My cousin: This is true. It's called capitalism. You want to make money, right? That's why you expand your markets. Is there anything inherently wrong with that? I don't think so. If people are willing to spend their money on a product, then why not? It's called freedom of choice.

Me: Capitalism, is just that... capitalism. There is, however, difference in good and bad capitalism. Making money at the expense of other people's loss can be called bad capitalism. Capitalism which introduces new technology and processes to an outsource company is obviously good capitalism.

------------------

My friend: did the americans close down their sweatshops in africa, india, bangladesh,and the philippines? NO.

My cousin: While I personally despise sweatshops and oppose them, what happens to these workers when they lose their jobs? Can they easily find employment elsewhere?

Me: It's not a matter of losing their jobs whence these "sweatshops" close down, its a matter of creating a decent enough working environment for these so called "employees". There are model US Firms which I definitely commend ,in exempli; Intel and FedEx, but there are others that are just despicable.

-------------------

My friend: did they prostitute the young filipina? YES.

My cousin: Or rather, did the young Filipina prostitute herself?  Hey, prostitution exists EVERYWHERE. Hence, it's called the world's oldest profession. So basically, are you saying that without the US, there would be no Filipina prostitutes? I beg to differ.

Me: SOME people say that demand and supply are co-dependent, i beg to disagree... demand controls supply... products are not always supported and/or demanded... The "hospitality industry" could not have been the way it was in the days of Clark and Subic had there been no bases in Angeles(Clark-Pampanga) and Olongapo(Subic-Zambales).
If demand is low obviously supply would be low as well... this definitely doesn't mean that w/o the US there'd be no Filipina prostitutes.

-------------------

My friend: did they really bring peace to the world with their diplomatic policies? NO. it's becuase their policy is based on money and self gain. Not on true altruistic intentions.

My cousin: I don't think you will ever have world peace. Ain't gonna happen. Since the beginning of time, ain't never had no peace! But let's see, the US is always there to offer humanitarian aid where it is needed - and where do most countries go to when they need help. Hmmm.

Me: I believe both points are actually reasonable to me... I don't believe in World Peace but I'm hopeful for it. Regarding countries asking for US assistance...okay okay help... I believe the US can't really say no... without us(the developing countries) the US would also suffer... without the US we suffer... bygones...

------------------

My friend: DO you think they were really fighting for human rights out there?! That's one big BULL.

My cousin: I disagree. The US has a strong human rights policy in general. It's not perfect but the US has always supported democracy and the freedoms associated with it.

Me: Hate crimes included? No pun inteded... I guess that's where the "not perfect" comes in... it is, after all, an imperfect world...

-------------------

My cousin: And were it not for the US, we probably would not be alive today. The US saved the Philippines during World War 2.

Me: we weren't saved... the US only "protected" what was theirs... the only reason the Philippines was attacked so much was because it was a U.S. Commonwealth then... Singapore was attacked because it was a British Commonwealth.. same goes for Malaysia and Indonesia(Dutch) and Vietnam(French)....
The whole deal on US Philippine history is one that will constantly be debated for generations of Filipinos for as long as there is a Philippines and US...

Mark Twain(Samuel Clemens) once wrote about the way the US was meddling with the growth of the Philippines after the Spanish American War (which was obviously started by the Spaniards) and that the US should've left the Philippines alone after reclaiming it from Spain by winning the war and signing the Treaty of Paris. The way history tells it, the Philippines was supposed to have been let go but it wasn't to be so. Many laws and pacts signed by our "owners" which have abused the Philippines in terms of natural resources and the Filipino people... but of course they say that "that was then"...


*sigh*... the Philippines has been and will probably always be, a country of brown Americans... no matter what we say or do... I'm being true.

As you might have noticed there seems to be confusion with my sentiments for the US... wherein I don't agree with everything the US has done throughout history or will be doing in the future... I will always be pro-America, for I believe in Truth, Freedom, Liberty, and above all, Love of Country!

My heart goes out to those people who lost their loved ones. I pray for the souls of your departed. May they have peace.

I'm back. That was a good and quick recovery. Whew... Again, I'll see if I can muster the courage to spill the beans on what happened but I don't know if I can yet. I'm trying to get over it until now. I also don't know if it's better if I keep it to myself. But what's the point of having a journal if I can't say everything. I'll still have to wait for the right time.

I was surfing the SATC website and got this phrase from there. "Why do we only believe the negative things people say about us." Ain't that funny, coz it's true. Wish people would be more trusting with the good things people say about them. Believe in those more. It might surprise them, they'll feel better about themselves.

Weekend awaits. It's going to be bland, I just have this feeling it will. I don't know why. I'm thinking where I can get money to spend. Hmmm... Happy weekend to me! :)

Why now!? Why face something I had no intentions of facing!? How could it happen to me!?

I don't think it wise for me to continue this journal. Until the time I feel better or at least gain the trust I have for people, then I will make it a point to gain my enthusiasm for writing, but now, I just want to be seek refuge from what just happened.

Hope to be back.

Great weekend for me! =) Got my cafe mocha and cinnamon roll. Yumm... Hope the day goes well.

I'm happy this week. Loads of people ended up listening to "Wherever You Will Go" the past days. I got tons of congratulatory messages. Emails from Hard Rock about our performance. It made me feel good. They thought the group was a professional band. :) Coolness!

Work's been great. I was assigned to create the process for this upcoming effort the firm will have to adhere to. I also learned that our workcell would be moving to the 2nd Floor of the building. (YEY!) This is good because it would mean we don't have to wait for the crummy elevators this 20++ year old building has everytime we get back from a Starbucks break or lunch at the nearby resto. I went with our manager to check out our location and it seemed good. I'm so happy that there's a possibility of me getting my very own Herman Miller chair. After a year of waiting. (I used to have one when I got assigned to both Chicago and Dublin)

Going home early today. Need some rest. Real rest. I miss by honey. I'm horny. hmmmm... That's basically it. My throat's still sore. It's still painful to swallow. Tough! Can't go down on anyone. (kidding!)

By the way, I caught the season finale for Sex and the City (season 4). It was through divine providence that I actually got to see it. I was about to hit the sack so I turned on the TV just so my room would have some light. Lo and behold, HBO, the theme song of the show, sounds like my mobile's ringing tone. Yee haw... :) Fab ending. Cute one too. Too bad I never got to see the episode where Aidan actually proposes to Carrie. Argh. Next time I'll see if I have time to talk about Aidan. Why I love his character. But now, I'm just going back to work. Back to the daily grind.

What a weekend... (you can say that again) ok... what a weekend!

Friday was amazing. Hard Rock performance gave me the most incredible high. Went to the venue early to check on the set and lights (I was assigned to them, God knows why). Things were ok. Had a quick check of the sounds for the band. It was a quick check, sang a stanza from "No Such Thing" (John Mayer).

fast forward...

The event started promptly and smoothly. An hour into the program I found myself getting up on stage with the band to set up for the first of two segments we're performing in. It was John Mayer time. Wearing the shirt my friend Krist gave me (which a lot of friends said screamed John Mayer) I sat on a stool, held the microphone which was on a stand, and signaled the group to give the first few beats. Then we started. The song ("No Such Thing") flew by so fast I didn't even notice it was going to end in a couple or more measures. Made a semi-spiel and proceeded with "Back to You" which was also a good rendition (I must say).

Thirty minutes later... the second segment... it was what we called "Back to Back to Back" (getting the inspiration from SOP's segment where they have all the divas and divos? perform different songs). I did back up vocals for several songs... "Power of Two", "Sunshine" (by Gabrielle), and "Someday We'll Know". I was last to perform after the four girls finished their songs. I did "Wherever You Will Go". I was so glad I did a costume change. I was in my Banana Republic Tomato long sleeved poplin shirt. So out dated. (Bought it a million seasons ago when I was in SF)... anyway... Started the first few lines... I was hooked to the song. I felt each and every word. The last lines were just blasting... Hitting note after note... higher and higher... It was amazing. I belted the last few notes. Man was that a rush. And I brought the house down. It was amazing!

Saturday was quite interesting. Went out with my honey. Drove to Makati to catch the poetry reading session at Powerbooks after learning about it from a friend, Carl. Saw Nelz, but didn't get to see Ian. I was anxious to catch the whole thing but when I noticed the time, it was past 6:30PM and we had to catch Triple X at Glorietta 4. I felt bad me and my honey couldn't stay for the session. We said toodles to the guys and headed off. Bought tickets and grabbed a quick bite. Lined up for the movie, and boy was it a queue. Finished the movie and thought of walking back to the car. I was tired. My honey wanted to spend more time together. I had not guts telling him I was tired so I made an excuse of it being late and all. Things happened. Cinematic drama ensued. Like what I said my honey, all that was needed was rain and it would've been a cool scene for a movie. We didn't talk much until I brought him home. It was a pretty bad "fight". Worse of all, I didn't allow him to give me a kiss goodnight.

After I dropped him off and drove home, I wasn't able to hold back, I cried. I cried so much I had to stop for fear of getting into an accident. It was mostly because I feel bad that that had to happen between us. If only I could go back in time to immediately say what I really wanted to say. It would've been better on both of us. But luckily, I got home in one piece.

Sunday was a bore. Couldn't resist the urge to text my honey. I had to know how he was doing. I couldn't sleep. When I heard the phone ring, I knew it was him. I heard his voice. I almost broke down. I tried to keep my tears again but they were too powerful to hold back. I missed my honey then. I was just so happy to hear his voice and know that he's on the other side of the phone line. We were able to patch things up. Apologies were given and accepted. New thing learned. We vowed to improve ourselves. We love each other more. I realized how much I love him. I love him so much that hurting him isn't even an option for me.

I'm good. Things are good. I hope my week is good. :)

Whew... just finished with band practice. Tomorrow's the day. I get to perform at the Hard Rock Cafe. Yahoooooo!!!!

I'm singing John Mayer's "Back to You" and "No Such Thing", and The Calling's "Wherever You Will Go". I'm soooooo excited. I'm still thinking if I should sing the John Mayer songs seated on a stool or not. What do you think? Hmmm... I'm also debating with myself on what I should wear for the John Mayer songs, plain shirt (tomato colored) or striped long sleeved shirt folded to half the sleeve's length, a la John Mayer's CD cover.

Well toodles. Good luck to me tomorrow.

Quite interesting... for some reason, the name Caselyn Francisco entered my mind while I was eating my mom's Chicken Caldreta (it's chicken in tomato sauce, with peas, potatos and carrots... with some herbs and spices... amazing stuff). So what I did was searched the internet... lo and behold... Caselyn is still making waves in the Netherlands and this time as Joanne in the Jonathan Larson masterpiece, "RENT". Here's a review I got from gay-news.com

"...Caselyn Francisco and Ellis Van Laarhoven are wonderful in every aspect as the lesbian couple Joanne and Maureen. Of the three central relationships, they are the only ones who manage to create a sense of intimacy. You believe that they are, in fact, lovers. When they sing "Take Me Or Leave Me", the stage literally comes alive with sensuality. "

Way to go girl. Hope she comes to the Philippines one of these days. I'm just dying to hear how she sings now. :)

Got a quote from a friend today... I thought it was worth posting...

"Disce quasi semper victurus; vive quasi cras moriturus"
(learn as if you were going to live forever... live as if you were going to die tomorrow) - got it from the OTEP site.

Amazing huh?!

I have just started absorbing it. I feel as if it has more meaning than what a person would initially think when they hear or read that quote.

Memories of the past few days...

An early morning surprise will always be cherished as long as I live. A rose, so white and so pure, offered as a token of love. Timeless. Priceless. I say thank you.

Last week was chaotic, balance was unattainable. Constant pressure building. I needed a release. I found it.

Caught my former choir's homecoming concert at DLSU. Amazing how much emotion this group can show. I was sincerely touched. I'm going to miss the faces of these people who have been with the group for more than three years. I have been with them, once, in Europe. To them, I bid them luck in all their undertakings now that they are no longer with the choir. I'll see them around. I'm sure we'll always be in touch. Thanks for the music. Glorieux De La Salle!

Four months and I didn't even blink. It has been that long. Amazing how fast time would fly when people are in love... yuck, that' so cliche. But it's true. Caught Lillo & Stitch and liked it a lot. It was really fun to watch. Wish we'd have one of those food trips one of these days. A bucket of original recipe KFC (ok, you can have the hot & crispy), super supreme pizza from either yellow cab or domino's, double dutch ice creme from Selecta, and I'll have my rootbeer, you can have your lemonade. :) Yum yum.

Blank space in my future... pretty redundant huh... but that's all I see now. Not really because all my dreams or hopes got stolen by some life changing event (or something to that effect) but it's mostly because I feel as if I'm in a crossroad lately. Signs have been evident to me and it has been harder and harder to not take notice.

But like what Miranda said in an SATC episode ".. we could analyze this (tape) for years and never know. I mean... they still don't know who killed Kennedy." Which brings me to the point that indeed, overanalysis of things in one's life leads to much pressure. Pressure that would eventually lead to a more difficult job for my future facial mask. (read: wrinkles are not my thing, especially when they're on me)

I say blah! to the signs... take things in stride and go through life with poise.

On a more personal message: honey, thanks so much for always being there. It's going to be tough but I know it will just be a walk in the park. :) I love you!

from the Jealousy Test.

Thank God!

Results of the Jealousy Test
General Index
Your score = 17

What does your score mean?
Most people who are involved in an important relationship carry a certain amount of fear and feel threatened by the possibility of being displaced and losing a partner to someone else. After all, these things happen, and when they do, it is usually very painful. Very few people display a blatant lack of jealousy. In your case, the lack is not blatant. Nevertheless, you appear to be a person in whom jealousy can be evoked but who does not live in a permanent state of fear of losing the loved one. If you were honest with yourself while taking the test, this means that you are secure, strong, independent and rational enough to perceive the possibility of losing your partner to someone else not extremely threatening. That does not mean that you do not care; you would certainly be sad or crushed as anybody else. However, you know that if it ever happens, you will survive with your self-esteem intact, with your head up and with dignity. You realize that even though you might love your partner very much, s/he is not the only compatible creature on earth, and that you would eventually find happiness with someone else. Such feelings give you a sense of security and the strength to trust, and allow you to be comfortable in the relationship. That, in turn, boosts the chances of a lasting and fulfilling relationship. See the subscores below for a more detailed analysis.

Jealousy and your emotions/thinking patterns
Your score = 18

At both the emotional and cognitive level, you seem to be relatively in control. Your test score shows that when it comes to trusting your partner, you are a downright pragmatic. You do not expect too much, nor do you expect too little. You are capable of dealing with the fact that your partner interacts with people s/he might find physically or spiritually attractive. You don't, however, get upset about minor things.

Building up your level of trust would enable you to feel more secure and in control. You could avoid feeling anxious, hurt and betrayed because of things that do not warrant such strong emotions. This would result in a much stronger, healthier relationship both for you and your partner.

Jealous behavior
Your score = 14

You seem to do the right thing in many situations, but often you do not. It is true that sometimes a little bit of jealousy can put a spark into a relationship. However, it is a dangerous weapon that might easily be used against you. As such, you had better keep it under control.

From the viewpoint of a partner, jealousy is generally very unbecoming. More often than not, it can spoil the relationship to the point of a breakup. Ironically, jealousy, which originates in the fear of losing your mate, might result in exactly that.

It is certainly hard to behave as a perfect gentleman/lady when you are burning inside. However, the pain will eventually subside if you decide to work on it. You can learn to control jealous behavior through detecting the first signs and making a conscious decision not to take the shortcut to your regular pattern. With some training, you will be able to recognize and block the behavior before it starts. However, that alone will not do it. You need to address the underlying insecurity, which most likely comes from a low self-esteem. When you stop feeling and behaving as if your mate was doing you a favor by being with you, you will grow - in your own eyes, and your partner's probably too. If your mate thrives on your jealousy, then it is a pretty safe guess that s/he has a problem that needs to be addressed and that your relationship has an unhealthy element.

Irrational jealousy
Your score = 13

While you do not get extremely upset about innocent circumstances, you do sometimes overreact to harmless situations. You may recognize that you are not always being entirely rational, but you have an emotional reaction nonetheless. If you have troubles distinguishing innocent actions from potential betrayal, try to put yourself in the shoes of a bystander, someone looking in on the situation. Many situations will not appear as threatening when you are not the one directly involved. Try to keep that perspective when you reassess the situation. I can assure you that it will pay off in the improvement of your love life.

Dependency issues
Your score = 8

You do not seem to have any dependence problems. You feel you are an individual separate from your partner, and you do not depend solely on him/her for gratification of all your needs. That is very healthy.

Self-esteem issues
Your score = 12

It appears that you do not have any serious self-esteem problems, at least not when your love life is concerned.

Control issues
Number of endorsed controlling statements: 1

You appear to display controlling behavior to some degree. You might be controlling in different ways: by limiting your partner from a position of strength (physical or psychological) or from a position of weakness in a passive aggressive way. In your case, the problem is not extremely serious, but it can be resented by your partner anyway. You should take a critical look at yourself and do something about it.

Talking to myself... has it ever occured to you what you have gotten yourself into. Your life is suddenly co-dependent with your boyfriend. That's not how it's supposed to be. A person should always be independent no matter what. One's life should never be dissected in a way that a part of you will be dependent on something, or someone, ever!

It's a beginning, that's why you are afraid, confused, pissed. Your boyfriend is less available than usual. Things can't be the same. Deal with it. Whatever is going to happen will test your relationship.

Me talking... it's just so fucking stupid to see things the way I'm seeing them. Not being able to move on with the relationship in a better way (meaning make each other more available) because of a friggin' membership. Fuck this. And what I do not like about this whole thing is the fact that I was not thought of in the entire time of the decision process, if I was, I wasn't a major factor in it. I was an obligation that can be dealt with later on after the decision has been made.

Sometimes I think he's doing it out of spite. Spite from the fact that lately I have been less available. So it seems as if he's turning the tables. I really hope it's not what I think it is. Plus what's bugging me is this whole Saturday thing my guy had with this guy who I have no other info about except that he's a friend of an "ex-date" who's interested in things my boyfriend is interested in as well. Not even getting word about what they were up to except for a message that he was already on his way home at like 9PM. I know I'm not supposed to be thinking of other things aside from the fact that he's out with a guy I barely even know (mind you ... just one guy).

Talking to myself again... and what of you going out with other people later than 9PM?

... uhm, those people are friends of mine and God knows I never end up with friends (meaning, friends I have considered as if they were my brothers or "sisters"). If it were with non-close friends I would be with office folks... (note, plural form folks... which doesn't mean I have orgies with them)

I'm just a wreck today. I thought I was on top of things last night but it's such a hard thing to deal with. He can say sorry but what does that give me. The best and most mature thing to do is to try it out first before I pass judgement on our relationship, that it won't work. I'm really for seeing how it works out. But honestly, I don't know how... yet.

... you'll eventually know what to do. Things will just happen, you have no control of them so they will just happen. There's no harm in hoping, hoping that they will get better.

P.S. Now I'm concerned that I have a psychological disorder... I am schizoprenic... augh!!!

This is sooooo cool... :)





I'm David, who are you? Six Feet Under Quiz by Turi.

What a day... first my journal almost got kapoot! Then I found out my work got deleted. I had to redo this module from scratch. It was actually quite tough as the last time I completed the code was more than a month ago and there are certain things which I can't really store for long in my brain. Good thing I was able to get some help to complete the module.

I have to finish two more tomorrow. I have to finish them! Can't wait for my friend's wedding this Saturday. I'll probably get a haircut soon. We'll see. Got to go. I have to meet up with a friend at the Alabang Town Center. I'm gonna be her stylist for the night. Ha ha ha!

Thanks to my friend from work I now have a funky guestbook... :)

Listen to this amazing song... check out the lyrics...
Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer

Saw this at a website I chanced upon. It mentions things a boyfriend or girlfriend should do... not sure if this is too ideal of a scenario...
[1] Call the next day
[2] Always laugh at his jokes
[3] Tell him (truthfully) that you can't wait to see him again
[4] Offer a backrub, without asking for one in return
[5] Call him just to say you were thinking about her
[6] Bring him a teddy bear and chicken soup when he is sick
[7] Write him a poem
[8] Slow dance with him(not only on a dance floor)
[9] Bring him flowers for no reason
[10] Send him a (handwritten) letter just to say hello
[11] Always remember your anniversaries and bring him something sweet
[12] Kiss him in the middle of a sentence
[13] Take him for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars
[14] Tell him something about you that no one else knows
[15] Remind him that you still think he is cute
[16] Take a bubble bath together
[17] Watch a sappy movie with him
[18] Surprise him with a candlelight dinner
[19] Never stop trying to impress him
[20] Tell him you love him and mean it
[21] Never forget how much he means to you
[22] Give him great big hugs for no reason.

I know... I edited the thing just so that it applies to me... hehehehehe... I'm not giving hints... just thought that this list was cute. :)

Had so many thoughts last night and I don't know where to begin. Caught the last few minutes of Buffy but was really more excited with catching Charmed. I wasn't disappointed.

I loved the whole plot of the ability to change one's present by asking the future. It's something I have constantly thought of. Me wondering where I'd be in X no. of years. What to do in case I end up being poor and lonely or something like that. Back to Charmed, it's good to see Paige is getting the hang of her orbing thing. I can't wait till these girls get really uber powerful. :)

Then it was off to chatting with my honey. We had a mini discussion on how we are different when it comes to dealing with people for the first time. He said that he would want to get to know a person through "prying". (of course I'm sure he didn't mean for it to sound so negative) I, on the other hand, would listen to people converse (if I'm in a group). I want to get to know how people think, how their minds work. I get to know about that by listening to them speak. What words they use. What gestures they make (if they even make gestures... usually they'd be gay if they do hehehehe).

We proceeded to him asking me why I sing. At first I thought it was a simple question with a simple answer. But when I thought about it later on, it was so much more than that... it was as if I was asked why I breathe. I sing because it is in my nature. I was born with it. It is me. It's not just a talent I was fortunate enough to have, it is me. I derive pleasure from hearing my voice when I hit long lines from a Mendelssohn piece or doing runs from Handel's Messiah. I am enthralled at how people gain much satisfaction from hearing me sing. I like it when I entertain people.

I got to watch Oprah last night and was surprised that Cher was the guest. I was struck with the words she uttered. She said something about what she feels and what she likes about her job... her life. She said something like, she enjoys performing in front of people because she feels like she's a minister in front of her audience, her flock. She gets to be in that moment where she can feel every emotion from each audience member. She's able to impart feelings of comfort through her songs to her audience. And then I thought, that's exactly what it is. It's the ability to be in the moment and know that you have touched someone's life or a group of lives. You have shown the audience emotions through song/s.

Found myself with a bit of a cold today. I hate colds. Especially those that are on just one side of your nose. It's so hard to coordinate one's breathing!

Arrived an hour early, killed time by thinking of how I was going to attack that initial G note.. or was that an A flat. God knows. Anyway, went around the GSIS building to get me some water. Got back to the audition venue with a bottle of mineral water on one hand and bag, umbrella and music sheet on the other. I was filled with confidence at that moment.

Things just went by so fast and what do you know, I'm already on stage, about to start singing. I hit the first note of my song with a bit of strain but I knew I wasn't flat. I was about to hit a high B until a voice from the panel's section said "can we have him do a range check". I'm like "what the hell is he talking about?" What range check? I'm a friggin' tenor 1! Did a three scales and hit the notes exactly as they were hit on the piano. And then I hear a "thank you... " and I was a bit crushed. Questions came to my head... what did I do wrong? is my voice not fit for your friggin' musical? i've performed for royalty god dammit! But then, it subsided, my injured pride healed immediately. I just thought that my voice really wasn't meant for their musical. It's too refined. It came out too molded. Oh well, I'll still try out in other theater productions but will remain a full blooded choir boy. :) Like I said to a friend of mine, I have a feeling my voice ain't Elton John material. It's for Rachmaninov, Tschaikovsky, Poulence, and Penderecki. :)

Today's the day... I'm nervous as hell. I'm just focusing on later. I can't even do work. I'm so excited and eager to finish the audition. God help me!

Heard from a friend today that the audition piece that will be performed should only be 16 bars of the entire song. That leaves me with the bridge and the chorus... argh! I was advised to warm up prior to entering the room for auditions so as not to have that hesitating voice upon hitting the bridge. It's a pretty high note to start with. I hope my friends pray for me...

I have other news. I'll talk about that later.

I'm the man!!! I kick ass... oops... sorry about the profanity but I'm just really happy coz I was able to resolve this mind baffling issue with the application I support. I can sleep... doh!... I still have one issue to go. I'll probably resolve that tomorrow. *sigh* work's just really tiring.

Finally... set my audition date to Thursday at 2PM. I'm just a bit nervous but that's fine. I just hope I can carry on with this feeling inside me of excitement and eagerness to belt out all the high notes I can.

Spent most of the day with my honey last Saturday. He went with me to where the registration was being held after I picked him up from his place. It was a great morning to start with. Nice weather. Sunny. Driving through the highway to exit Susana Heights. It was a pleasant drive.

It was a quick process that the organizers came up with for the auditions. I was able to pick my sched. I also noticed that I was number 130++ on the list of people who were going to audition. I wonder which parts are they openning to the Filipino leg of auditions.

That evening, my honey and I caught Minority Report at the mall. It was quite an interesting movie. Lacked the oomph! but otherwise it was good.

Caught up with my choir friends. Had coffee at Haagen Daas. Headed on off to our friend's house for a little jamming while the others chose their pieces for the auditions. Listened to some music. One of which, my friend's composition (lyrics and music). Amazing stuff. It's entitled "It Doesn't Get Easier", and mostly talks about coping with the fact that your loved one found someone else. How it is to see them together in the same situations you once were with him/her. Pretty touching. We also listened to the Lion King CD of the original Broadway Cast just to give us an idea of how the songs go and what kind of music does the musical really have. This made me think what voice is apt to be in which role. Thought of ways to attack my piece. I need to practice some more to be able to hit that high note on the bridge of the song. I'll keep on praying!

Gawd... It's 8:30PM and I'm still at work. I leaving in a few minutes. I'm sure my honey is worried about me by now. I'm going home soon.

Tinkered with Flash MX and Dreamweaver MX during my break time. I honestly had fun. I'm a little frustrated though coz I couldn't get this particular Flash file customized. It would've been a cool addition to my site. I've been looking for templates for the website. No luck so far. I'm thinking about just changing the colors of the areas. Hmmm.. watcha think?

I'm heading off... toodles...

Google! DayPop! This is my blogchalk: English, Philippines, Muntinlupa City, Alabang, Francis, Male, 21-25!

This is so cool, I have a new domain name. It's www.bocceli.tk ... kewl huh! =) I'm really liking this whole bit on improving my website or whatever it is you call my site. I've been thinking about changing my template because it's been pretty common. I hope I'll find the time to change it. When my honey finishes with the 'Dummies' book I gave him, he'll be able to help me out =) won't you hon? Kisses!

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain...

This phrase from 'My Fair Lady' is what I'd use to start my day when I was in Ireland. Usually to start talking with a mild Queen's English accent. My friend Nelz mentioned that he acquired the British tongue when had a chance to work with them. Same went for me. The Queen's English accent which I could usually switch on became harder as I knew I was starting to become Irish. Too much Guinness. (snap out of it dude)...

Good news... I think we moved up in our standings for the Bowling Competition. :) Thanks honey for the kiss. I bowled 150s across the board. I'm happy! Registration's near and I still don't have a head shot! I'm still thinking where I should have my picture taken. *sigh* I have to finish quite a number of deliverables today. Eight of them to be exact. Bleh! Wish me luck!

side note: I'm pissed, the sole of my left shoe is cracked... darn! Nasty nasty.

Argh... it's the last day for the bowling matches and next week we're off to the finals. I'm so freaked out. I hope I do well, at least up my average to like 125. I used to have a pretty decent average. Now, with such a long time between the start of this competition and the last time I played bowling in Chicago, I'm just really sucky! Bleh!

I was invited by my former choral conductor to the 2nd recital for the DLSU Chorale members and alumni. I'm still thinking of what to sing. I know it's going to be this December and that gives me so much time. I sang Nessun Dorma from Puccini's Turandot in last year's recital. I knew it was a pretty tough piece and that a voice major friend of mine said that it was an "advanced students piece". I never did voice. The only vocal training I got was from the Ryan Cayabyab Music Studio and our conductor from my choir in DLSU Manila. I wonder if he's ok with me singing This is the Moment from Jekyll and Hyde. hmmm...

I'm feeling good about myself lately. I know I love my honey, I know my job is picking up and I'm starting to like it again. I can't wait for the auditions. It's for Lion King Australia... not sure if it's going to be in Melbourne or Sydney. I know tons of established artists are going to try out but I'm still hopeful.

Ok... we're off to the bowling alley. Laterz.

It's a few more days till the registration for the Lion King auditions and I'm just so excited about it. I have never been on an audition for a theatrical production. It's scary and just exhillirating just thinking about it. I just hope it goes well. I mean, all I really care about is for me to do a good showing. I really don't care if I get in or not (yeah right! ha ha ha). I am more into the experience I will gain from doing this audition. I'm so sure that tons of people will be showing up for this one so better get there early.

That dry spell I had over the weekend is now over. It started Saturday when I got the chance to catch the Volleyball Grand Prix at the Araneta Coliseum. Russia, Japan, Germany and Brazil battled it out in an amazing display of athleticism, physical strength and mental superiority. It was an exciting showdown for Russia and Japan. The game between the teams from Brazil and Germany was a bit boring compared to the earlier match. The teams did justify the ticket prices as the early evening was filled sounds of excitement.

That night I headed to the Trader's Hotel to meet with my high school friends in one of the hotel rooms. The room was reserved by one of my friends who just arrived from the U.S. It was a pretty wild party. Let's just say it was wild enough that I can't divulge any information aside from I had an amazing buzz the whole time!

It hasn't been a good start for the weekend. Again, I really don't want to talk about it much as it would just complicate things. I'm just really not in a good mood. Talk about pooping my own party! Hope next week would be better. Hope tonight would be better. I plan on playing tennis with my friend tomorrow. I really need the physical activity now.

By the way, I failed to mention that the Chorale arrived yesterday, early morning. I'm so happy they're back. I miss them all so much! I feel as if my "siblings" have returned. It seems no one can really understand how tight the bond us Chorale/former Chorale members have. It's too complex to explain and too deep to understand. It's like having these people there, knowing every single thing about you. No inhibitions whatsoever. Always united. Love is present. We all look out for each other. I thank God that I have this group of friends. I will never have them replaced for the world!

-removed that Realm of Influence result, the pic wasn't loading properly-

Just had to post this statement from another friend's blog...

"...I revel in utter fabulousness. To hell with NORMAL."
- Nelz (his cool journal)

I totally love this statement!

The day's been really such a bore. Nothing much to talk about. I got my tickets to watch the World Volleyball Grand Prix where teams Russia, Germany, Brazil and Japan will be battling it out to capture the win for the Manila leg. I also can't wait for the weekend. My friend who arrived from San Francisco got a room at a hotel where all of us friends from high school will be partying the whole night. Exchanging stories, laughing at special moments we've spent together and all the pictures another friend of ours collected through the years. I'm really excited. Hope I don't get drunk or something. I promise to behave honey.

I have thought of my piece for the auditions for the musical I mentioned. My friend who's a pianist approved of the piece. He says it will be a good song for me because it will stretch my range and show the screening committee the versatility of my voice. I really don't care much whatever the outcome is. It's mostly for the experience of auditioning and I think it's just gonna be nerve-wracking! Can't wait!

Yeap... That's right! It's been five days since last I posted. Really feeling great today. It's me and my honey's 3rd month together. I'm a happy camper. *smile*

Lately I have been contemplating on auditioning for this musical which will be produced in Australia. I have spoken to friends about it and they were all for the idea. I consulted my pianist/superstar accompanist (he he he) about what piece I should sing. I am still juggling between a Josh Groban song (To Where You Are or You're Still You), On The Wings of Love, In Your Eyes or a male version of Regine Velasquez' To Reach You (this is really just the original version modulated 2 keys higher). I am quite excited. The auditions are in a few weeks and I am in dire need of a rehearsal just to get my voice back in shape. It hasn't really seen much performances lately so it could be rusty.

Got my honey a cool gift today. Hope he likes it.

Weekend was boring. Not much excitement. Pretty laid back. But I did get to play badminton yesterday and my game is getting better. We have another game next week. Hope I get the hang of it.

Love yah baby!

Now I'm thinking I'd rather just keep what happened to me to myself. I'd not resort to reliving it else it'll be just another "logged" memory. Have a great weekend!

I will have to tell you about what happened to me yesterday. I'm still getting through it so just be patient. It's not really that big but it would've changed quite a lot in my life and how it will progress.

From my Dublin Trip last year... just reminiscing...

"Another week over... another week brewing... Last week seemed such a boring span of days for me. Not too much happening, mostly going out for dinners all over the city. Remember when I told you guys I would be applying for a visa from the French Embassy here in Dublin so that I could fly to Paris... never happened. I needed a multiple entry visa to Ireland first in order for me to actually get out of here and come back again. I did just that, went to the Department of Foreign Affairs and did the whole waiting thing... I was there for four hours. My turn came and naturally I went up to the counter. As the lady on the other side of the counter was screening my passport, I noticed she seemed odd, then it happened... I can't get a multiple entry visa until I "get a green book"... I had no idea what she was talking about. She then explained that I would need to get a green book as a document that proves that I am a "resident" of Ireland. So I was frustrated with the fact that I wasted 4 hours of my day for nothing.

The next day, Tuesday, me and Kristine went to the Bureau of Immigration to get a green book. We decided to meet at the compound around 6:30AM... I got there 5 minutes late and I see a hundred people lined up. Krisitine was no where to be found. So I lined up feeling cold from the chilly Dublin mornings. Kristine arrived after 5 minutes as well. So we had to wait for 8:30AM as the ticket stubs (with numbers) will be given then. I got me a Grande Caffe Mocha from the nearby Cafe Sol and also some Danish. 8:30AM, we got our ticket numbers easily and saw that we were numbers 176 and 177. So we decided we would have time to go back to the office and come back during lunch. Lunch came, we arrived and saw that 104 was being called. We waited, waited, waited... finally after 4 hours of waiting, we were called. Came up to the counter smiling with confidence. As the person on the other side of the counter mentioned the words, "I'm sorry we can't issue you a green book because of your C-Business type visa"... my heart felt like it was being squeezed by a juice extractor... FUCK ... SHITE... DAMN YOU!!!!(side note, Kristine didn't get a green book as well)

We went to Grafton street immediately after the horrible afternoon came upon us. Grafton street is like Stephansplatz(a street where there are stores where you can do your shopping in Vienna). I was so keen on getting my mind out of that ghastly experience that I felt the need to buy something over the top! I didn't. I ended up just checking out the stuff on the display windows and drooling from the nice shoes, pants and shirts I would be seeing. After window shopping, I went to Kristine's place. We passed by St. Stephen's Green Mall first to get Jennifer. For dinner, Kristine made this amazing chicken dish, I brought pasta and pizza and Jennifer came with a bottle of Chardonnay. We had an amazing feast and ended up forgetting the whole fiasco of a few hours ago. Toasting to our exciting week before us we then proceeded to the Back Lounge which was just in front of Kristine' apartment. We had a couple of drinks, I sang a song(it was karaoke night), had loads of fun...

The following days were again pretty much ho hum... correction... very ho hum. The weekend though, I had committed myself to exploring the city by myself(Kristine went to Slane which is up north to catch the U2 Concert where Nelly Furtado, Ash and Moby were also performing as front acts... I know I know... but what can I do, the tickets were sold out way before I came to Dublin) anyway, as I was saying, I explored the city mostly went to the cultural sites. Checked out all the places that would have the word "National" as part of its name... i.e. National Gallery of Ireland, National Concert Hall, National Institute of Modern Art... blah blah blah... Saw a lecture on Art as Influenced by Music... very interesting. Got to see some great pieces by Rembrandt, Monet, Caravaggio and others. I never thought I'd be so captured by graphical illustrations of worldly images and subconscious thoughts."

*sigh*... the good ole days... cheers to Dublin... cheers to Ireland... Slainte!

I just realized something, I don't remember ever standing up for who I am. For my principles that everyone is created equal. That I have my right to my own happiness and that no one has the right to disrespect that.

I got into thinking this way because of an experience I read about from this guy on PEx about not answering a question on "Are all gay men effeminate?" Maybe at this stage of my life I will be able to answer that with all confidence that all gay men come in different shapes and sizes. Different personalities, different levels of masculinity. Just like straigh men and women, gay women, bi men and women, and the in betweens. Really, diversity is present in all of us. That label has really got to go. I am still wondering how it came to be that that particular label existed. I remember taking this psychological test in college that resulted in me being androgenous in my personality. Mostly, I'm capable of masculine and feminine personalities and emotions. I take that as a complement. It seems that that would be perfect because you'd have the best of both worlds.

Which brings me to a statement my mom told me before. She goes "it's a good thing I have a gay son." I'm like "why?" Blurts out "because I immediatley get a son and a daughter." I interpret that as having the rationale, firmness and strength of a man, and the caring, loving, and understanding qualities of a woman. Great ain't it?

Yawn... I'm still sleepy. Woke up pretty early today. I no one told me the color coding scheme was suspended. Which reminds me, why do they call it color coding? I don't see any colors which traffic enforcers can code. I think my brain's just saturated enough. My head ache is killing me. Darn weather makes me want to go home and just sleep.

Read an article today from a website my friend sent me. It was about that whole issue with 19% of the Filipinos not wanting to stay in the Philippines anymore. To be honest, I have always considered myself a man of the world hence, anywhere is just fine by me. But I still have my bias for American living because I have experienced it. Having worked there for more than a year made me see what the hoopla about the U.S. was and it did seem like a better life. It was great for me since the company shouldered housing and transportation (a car or public transportation when I lived downtown). Me and a room mate lived in a nice townhouse/apartment type place and would sometimes have parties for our officemates there. It was a great experience for me. Weekends would usually be spent at the mall shopping our hearts out. At night, it would be off to the city and paint the town red. Uhm... not quite. It's usually just me and friends from downtown who I hang out with when I'm out and about.

However, I ended up appreciating what we have here more. Hmmmm... I'd have to rethink that last statement. He he he... Seriously though, I enjoy the small perks of being an upper middle class citizen here in the Philippines. I can't say the same for the one's on the threshold of poverty. Sometimes, I feel badly about how my "brothers and sisters" are coping with their situations. Makes me want to think about what I can do as a simple citizen of the country.

Ok, I'm way over myself now. I'm not good with expressing serious emotions in words. So I'll drop it at that. I might end up saying something I might take back later on.

I miss my honey. Love you so much!

It was cold last night as I tucked myself to bed. Looking for a spot on my new boudoir, it was pretty annoying how in a matter of three months (almost) I've grown so used to having my honey by my side and somehow longing for him to be with me everytime I close my eyes. Having him there, hearing him breathe is just one of the sounds I can listen to forever.

On other stuff, my thumb got less sore from last night's bowling tourney. Our team was really off. Our scores were too low for even our own good. We dropped from 2nd place in the standings to maybe 4th or 5th out of 5 teams. Talk about a lot of catching up to do. We really need to increase our game mucho fast! I'm practicing this Sunday at Alabang Town Center. Hopefully get my rhythm back. I'm really getting annoyed with how I played the official games last night. Major bummer.

Then again, another weird discovery. My friend who has the blog I was telling you about, turns out he uses the expression "bugger" too. With me, I got that expression from when I was back in Ireland for an assignment and have been using it since. That and "shite" which I find pretty subtle as compared to using "shit". Weird, weird, weird.

Just had lunch. I need my caffeine. I want doughnuts. I feel like eating at CPK (have I told you my honey doesn't like CPK... he finds their food too sweet). I'll prolly just update my site with more pics and maybe and extra page.

Toodles!

Sometimes doing this whole blog thing freaks me out. For instance, this morning I was thinking of what to post and it came about that I wanted to discuss what me and my honey talked about a few nights ago (or was it last night?), that I should post more detailed stuff. Then I get to read a friend's blog that absolutely gives you great details of things that have happened in the past 24 hours or so and I admire him for doing that.

When I see myself posting stuff about me, I feel like I'm on "The Real World" where people can actually get a glimpse of my life and perhaps that's really the purpose of this blog. Is so that there's a medium for mild perversion (i.e. exhibitionism). Although I won't result to much discussion on that topic, I kinda like being "read about". It adds to the thrill of living. When other people know you and read about you while you not knowing that the person beside you in a queue for getting tickets at the movies already knows part of you because he or she has read about you... err... read you!

We're playing bowling later and hopefully my average would climb up. Set up a few things for my friend's mini slumber party in a couple of weeks. Haven't told my honey yet as my friend just called me about it earlier. Honey, if you are reading this, the party's in two weeks... that week when you and your folks are out. It's just going to be an overnight thing at a hotel in Manila (Saturday-Sunday).

Funny how people miss loved ones so quickly... same as my friend who's with own honey, I miss MY honey too. We just saw each other last night but somehow, our clinginess never became too extreme. It was just right. It would always be in the right amounts.

I'm gonna de-stress before my conference call with the folks in Ireland. Argh... work is so so. Laterz.

Went to the place where they have the model units for this new condominium that will be built in the heart of Makati. One Legazpi Park. Amazing. That's all I could say. I so wanted the two bedroom unit but it's too expensive for me. Maybe I'll just settle for the studio type first. That's if I get the money. Ha ha ha. At the rate I'm going now, I don't think I'll be able to finance that kind of "purchase" unless of course I win the lottery.

On other things, my friend from Cali just arrived last Sunday morning and things will be hectic for him for the next month. He's here on vacation since school's out in the U.S. He works for a school somewhere near San Francisco. I might meet up with him tonight just to catch up on things and see how he's doing.

I feel good so far. Already had my... ehem... grande mocha frapuccino blended with whip, with power. He he he. I love the fact that the guys at the nearby Starbucks already know me so well that all I have to do is get my P120 (approx $2.50) and wait for them to call my name so I could get my drink. They know that I like the ice crushed good, and that I want the dome cover and not the flat one. Comforting.

Fell in a bit of a slump yesterday. Thought about how big of a responsibility it is to support a family. Although I don't support them that much, the fact that I am the one they rely on for most of the expenses outside of the usual shit like utilities and food makes it really stressful for me sometimes.

But it is during these down times I feel so lucky to have someone to be there for me. My shock absorber. As Carrie would put it, my zip drive (someone who can back me up).

My honey threw me a question... Do I consider our relationship as added pressure or as a solace?

I told him it's both. Sometimes the pressure is there when you know you have to think of someone first before deciding on certain things. Especially things which will affect both of you. Mostly though, it's a solace for me. I know I can run to my honey for strength when I have no more left in me to carry on at that exact moment. Which got me thinking, was Carrie right about being dependent on your boyfriend. I believe that really is part of it. When you start trusting each other, the tendency is to seek each others' help. That's what relationships are all about. Another tendency is to depend on them as you have during those times when your loved one extends you their shoulder, their hand, their warm lips. It's more like how would I cope without my honey.

I'm such a cry baby. I'm too in tune with my tear glands. It's like I have them on speed dial or something. The moment I get all sad or depressed, I feel like I can easily access my tears so I could shed the hurt, or bad feelings away. It feels great though that instead of kleenex, I have my honey's hands to wipe away my tears. I always love it when I feel him touch my cheeks in a mild brush just to gently remove the tears off my face. How he puts my head on his left shoulder in a gesture that only someone who loves you can show.

I love you honey. Thanks for being there always.

The days have been hectic for me lately and sometimes I notice that I haven't been much of a boyfriend to my honey. I haven't seen him since Saturday and I really miss him a lot. We have been growing and developing, at least that's what I notice. Somehow, texting each other has been less but I don't attribute it to the possibility that something is lacking. It's more of we know how each other is and we that we are more secure about each other.

Updated the site, added sections for different pictures. Hope it's enjoyed. Nothing too great to talk about.

Still have "Love Always Finds A Way" in my head. I can't get enough of that song. I have been dying to sing it since the time I got to hear an interpretation of it by Regine Velasquez. I'm a big fan so I hope I don't get flak from people out there.

As usual, work is not as fulfilling as when I was in Chicago. Things there were more exciting and the people I worked with had such high respects for me. It helps you know, when co-workers have a high regard for your opinions and somehow project that you are important to the team.

I miss the Chicago, all it offered me and will offer me just gets me in a depressed mood. As if I could just fly there any time. Avoid the horrible winters.

With earphones on me, no music seems to go through... argh... the player is not working. I'll check you laterz.

I'm happy that I already made a really decent webpage for myself. I'm glad that no matter how much work there is, I was still able to accomplish something I can be very proud of. Work sucks. Coding is a total bore. How I wish I could just sing forever. Sing my way through life. Live off from singing. Get mucho bucks from performing.

Me and friends have been planning to catch the musical Falsettos which will be starting its run this weekend and will last until August. I have heard scores from the musical as a friend of mine was able to let me listen to the music which he got from another friend of his. Songs are very easy, not quite your Les Mis intense volume and emotion but still, the words used were very witty and well thought of. The musical is a story of a gay couple who has to go through life with one of the guy's son having to grow up knowing his dad is gay. Did I confuse you with that? You'll figure it out. Anyway, it triggered thoughts in my head about me having children, or at the least, a child (boy or girl... I don't care).

I have always wanted to know how a child with my genes and someone else's would look like. Will the child be as tall as me (not saying that I'm uber tall but I'm taller that your average Filipino guy). Read this book by Dan Savage called "The Kid". It was about how the author and his domestic partner went through with doing open adoption just so that they can have a baby to call their own. Mostly showed how much of the adoption stage was really spent on having to resolve issues with in the couple and outside of their relationship, including that of the biological mom's. Oh well, it would bore you and myself to actually delve into the specifics but the book is a good read.

Anyway, I believe Pride celebrations are just around the corner. Can't wait.

Have a great weekend peeps!... Check you all next week. Love you honey!

My love for music, I just realized, hasn't really been made that clear in this blog. A quick history of how I found music or how music found me.

I was in pre-school. Here in the Philippines they'd have mini graduation rites for pre-school. The teacher got me and this girl classmate of mine to do a song for the "graduation". If I remember correctly, we sang that "... i'm but a small voice..." song by Lea Salonga. It was all too cheesy really. But nonetheless, I would remember getting a rush from that particular performance. So I thought singing in front of people was cool. I didn't know back then that I had a good voice mind you.

Grade school came and I think I joined almost every year in the singing competitions in school. Lucky me, I'd win everytime. So thru those 6 years in Grade school, I was able to establish a name, a reputation in school. Students from high school knew me. To a kid in the 5th Grade that was really cool.

During that transition from Grade school to high school, my mom enrolled me in singing lessons at the Ryan Cayabyab Music Studio. That was a really good decision for after that, my confidence really multiplied. I felt more at ease with tackling other songs (aside from those lung exhausting belts of Carey and Houston). I was introduced to Broadway.

High school was a bore. Did the usual performances here and there. I always stopped in the middle of what I was doing and think of how it would've been like to drop everything and pursue a career in showbiz. But then, I'd think, "nah... I want to be a stock broker".. (or something to that effect). This when I was 14 or 15... yikes!

In college I finally got my opportunity to sing more often. Joined a choir, the De La Salle University Chorale, and really enjoyed my stay with the group. Taking me to so many places all over Europe. Performances for various dignitaries and royalty. Performance venues that I only dreamed I was going to perform in but I actually ended up performing at.

Until now I still miss the whole experience of being in that group. Although us alumni members of the choir still enjoy hanging out and performing together, like we always say, being in the real thing is different.

I still listen to choral music which has been, for me, one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. So, that's how my love for music started. Hope that sheds light to what makes me feel like my life has and always will be influenced by music.

To my honey, I will always be singing great music to/for you.

I got to chatting with a friend of mine about this old friend of ours. The old friend used to be close to our group. He was one of my really close friends. A huge issue blew up in our faces which caused the fall out between the group and him. We ended up hating him for the fact that we felt we were abandoned by him. Makes one think, do close friends become "nasty" when they are no longer your friends? Is it bad to feel hate for someone who was once a friend you loved like a brother?

*sigh*

We miss him.

Woke up this morning with a smile on my face. A message from my honey said he loves me. It's hard to imagine that only a few days ago, we were almost going to break up because of something I did. This got me thinking about our relationship. He mentioned to me one time that he noticed that we'd end up in a semi-fight everytime we see each other. I had to agree, he was right. I noticed the same thing. It seemed though that the semi-fights happened after our first month. Have we moved on from the honeymoon phase to the next phase? Have feelings matured between us? Has the relationship started taking on a new form or constantly improve?

Do relationships that start with sex/making love mature faster?

I have been through a few relationships and so far, all of them didn't last long. I only consider myself having had one ex-boyfriend as I only had on "official" boyfriend prior to my current boyfriend. Others came along but nothing worked out that well because it started with sex, nothing else to look forward to. But my point is, when a couple become a couple, and sex was the instrument for them to be together, will their relationship mature or move faster than usual. This goes for either straight relationships or otherwise.

I remember telling my honey that I had this theory about gay relationships. The theory goes, each month a gay couple goes through represents 6 months to a year in straight relationship years. The idea sprouted from the fact that not a lot straight relationships start off for/by/with sex. I can yack all I can about this but of course, I could be mistaken.

Last night was amazing. Dinner, onto my honey's place. I loved the STAR WARS Trilogy VCD he gave me. He remembered that I have been wanting to catch the earlier STAR WARS movies after getting the whole story of the "epic" series. Thanks honey! Love you! Here's to more months and years.

Meeting my honey in a few. I can't wait to see him ! I got him a gift. I hope he likes it. It's been a long day as I have been anticipating the moment we see each other again after that huge tiff we had last Friday. I just want to hold him in my arms and show him how much I love him. Wish me luck!

Start of a new week, things can never be better. It's the start of me and my honey's third month together. We have very recently went through (and maybe still are going through) some issues which I'd rather not talk about. In a way, I'm ok with that fact that it happened this early, so at least we'll be able to hurdle the issues at this stage of our relationship. It seems that I've hurt my honey's feelings and I completely lost his trust in me. That is really hard to regain. I do express my deepest apologies to him. I want him to know that I will do anything in my power to gain his confidence back so he can trust me again. (just to pre-empt anyone here, I did NOT cheat on him)

Thanks honey for giving me the chance of loving you. I will always love you. Days have been better since you came into my life. Here's to hoping to live more months and years with you.

"... sometime, that sometime will turn to forever, for all time...
... somewhere, that somewhere will not just be one place, but everywhere..."

"... our love, like love, it's what it is, it's what we've got..."

I love you!