I'm happy this week. Loads of people ended up listening to "Wherever You Will Go" the past days. I got tons of congratulatory messages. Emails from Hard Rock about our performance. It made me feel good. They thought the group was a professional band. :) Coolness!

Work's been great. I was assigned to create the process for this upcoming effort the firm will have to adhere to. I also learned that our workcell would be moving to the 2nd Floor of the building. (YEY!) This is good because it would mean we don't have to wait for the crummy elevators this 20++ year old building has everytime we get back from a Starbucks break or lunch at the nearby resto. I went with our manager to check out our location and it seemed good. I'm so happy that there's a possibility of me getting my very own Herman Miller chair. After a year of waiting. (I used to have one when I got assigned to both Chicago and Dublin)

Going home early today. Need some rest. Real rest. I miss by honey. I'm horny. hmmmm... That's basically it. My throat's still sore. It's still painful to swallow. Tough! Can't go down on anyone. (kidding!)

By the way, I caught the season finale for Sex and the City (season 4). It was through divine providence that I actually got to see it. I was about to hit the sack so I turned on the TV just so my room would have some light. Lo and behold, HBO, the theme song of the show, sounds like my mobile's ringing tone. Yee haw... :) Fab ending. Cute one too. Too bad I never got to see the episode where Aidan actually proposes to Carrie. Argh. Next time I'll see if I have time to talk about Aidan. Why I love his character. But now, I'm just going back to work. Back to the daily grind.

What a weekend... (you can say that again) ok... what a weekend!

Friday was amazing. Hard Rock performance gave me the most incredible high. Went to the venue early to check on the set and lights (I was assigned to them, God knows why). Things were ok. Had a quick check of the sounds for the band. It was a quick check, sang a stanza from "No Such Thing" (John Mayer).

fast forward...

The event started promptly and smoothly. An hour into the program I found myself getting up on stage with the band to set up for the first of two segments we're performing in. It was John Mayer time. Wearing the shirt my friend Krist gave me (which a lot of friends said screamed John Mayer) I sat on a stool, held the microphone which was on a stand, and signaled the group to give the first few beats. Then we started. The song ("No Such Thing") flew by so fast I didn't even notice it was going to end in a couple or more measures. Made a semi-spiel and proceeded with "Back to You" which was also a good rendition (I must say).

Thirty minutes later... the second segment... it was what we called "Back to Back to Back" (getting the inspiration from SOP's segment where they have all the divas and divos? perform different songs). I did back up vocals for several songs... "Power of Two", "Sunshine" (by Gabrielle), and "Someday We'll Know". I was last to perform after the four girls finished their songs. I did "Wherever You Will Go". I was so glad I did a costume change. I was in my Banana Republic Tomato long sleeved poplin shirt. So out dated. (Bought it a million seasons ago when I was in SF)... anyway... Started the first few lines... I was hooked to the song. I felt each and every word. The last lines were just blasting... Hitting note after note... higher and higher... It was amazing. I belted the last few notes. Man was that a rush. And I brought the house down. It was amazing!

Saturday was quite interesting. Went out with my honey. Drove to Makati to catch the poetry reading session at Powerbooks after learning about it from a friend, Carl. Saw Nelz, but didn't get to see Ian. I was anxious to catch the whole thing but when I noticed the time, it was past 6:30PM and we had to catch Triple X at Glorietta 4. I felt bad me and my honey couldn't stay for the session. We said toodles to the guys and headed off. Bought tickets and grabbed a quick bite. Lined up for the movie, and boy was it a queue. Finished the movie and thought of walking back to the car. I was tired. My honey wanted to spend more time together. I had not guts telling him I was tired so I made an excuse of it being late and all. Things happened. Cinematic drama ensued. Like what I said my honey, all that was needed was rain and it would've been a cool scene for a movie. We didn't talk much until I brought him home. It was a pretty bad "fight". Worse of all, I didn't allow him to give me a kiss goodnight.

After I dropped him off and drove home, I wasn't able to hold back, I cried. I cried so much I had to stop for fear of getting into an accident. It was mostly because I feel bad that that had to happen between us. If only I could go back in time to immediately say what I really wanted to say. It would've been better on both of us. But luckily, I got home in one piece.

Sunday was a bore. Couldn't resist the urge to text my honey. I had to know how he was doing. I couldn't sleep. When I heard the phone ring, I knew it was him. I heard his voice. I almost broke down. I tried to keep my tears again but they were too powerful to hold back. I missed my honey then. I was just so happy to hear his voice and know that he's on the other side of the phone line. We were able to patch things up. Apologies were given and accepted. New thing learned. We vowed to improve ourselves. We love each other more. I realized how much I love him. I love him so much that hurting him isn't even an option for me.

I'm good. Things are good. I hope my week is good. :)

Whew... just finished with band practice. Tomorrow's the day. I get to perform at the Hard Rock Cafe. Yahoooooo!!!!

I'm singing John Mayer's "Back to You" and "No Such Thing", and The Calling's "Wherever You Will Go". I'm soooooo excited. I'm still thinking if I should sing the John Mayer songs seated on a stool or not. What do you think? Hmmm... I'm also debating with myself on what I should wear for the John Mayer songs, plain shirt (tomato colored) or striped long sleeved shirt folded to half the sleeve's length, a la John Mayer's CD cover.

Well toodles. Good luck to me tomorrow.

Quite interesting... for some reason, the name Caselyn Francisco entered my mind while I was eating my mom's Chicken Caldreta (it's chicken in tomato sauce, with peas, potatos and carrots... with some herbs and spices... amazing stuff). So what I did was searched the internet... lo and behold... Caselyn is still making waves in the Netherlands and this time as Joanne in the Jonathan Larson masterpiece, "RENT". Here's a review I got from gay-news.com

"...Caselyn Francisco and Ellis Van Laarhoven are wonderful in every aspect as the lesbian couple Joanne and Maureen. Of the three central relationships, they are the only ones who manage to create a sense of intimacy. You believe that they are, in fact, lovers. When they sing "Take Me Or Leave Me", the stage literally comes alive with sensuality. "

Way to go girl. Hope she comes to the Philippines one of these days. I'm just dying to hear how she sings now. :)

Got a quote from a friend today... I thought it was worth posting...

"Disce quasi semper victurus; vive quasi cras moriturus"
(learn as if you were going to live forever... live as if you were going to die tomorrow) - got it from the OTEP site.

Amazing huh?!

I have just started absorbing it. I feel as if it has more meaning than what a person would initially think when they hear or read that quote.

Memories of the past few days...

An early morning surprise will always be cherished as long as I live. A rose, so white and so pure, offered as a token of love. Timeless. Priceless. I say thank you.

Last week was chaotic, balance was unattainable. Constant pressure building. I needed a release. I found it.

Caught my former choir's homecoming concert at DLSU. Amazing how much emotion this group can show. I was sincerely touched. I'm going to miss the faces of these people who have been with the group for more than three years. I have been with them, once, in Europe. To them, I bid them luck in all their undertakings now that they are no longer with the choir. I'll see them around. I'm sure we'll always be in touch. Thanks for the music. Glorieux De La Salle!

Four months and I didn't even blink. It has been that long. Amazing how fast time would fly when people are in love... yuck, that' so cliche. But it's true. Caught Lillo & Stitch and liked it a lot. It was really fun to watch. Wish we'd have one of those food trips one of these days. A bucket of original recipe KFC (ok, you can have the hot & crispy), super supreme pizza from either yellow cab or domino's, double dutch ice creme from Selecta, and I'll have my rootbeer, you can have your lemonade. :) Yum yum.

Blank space in my future... pretty redundant huh... but that's all I see now. Not really because all my dreams or hopes got stolen by some life changing event (or something to that effect) but it's mostly because I feel as if I'm in a crossroad lately. Signs have been evident to me and it has been harder and harder to not take notice.

But like what Miranda said in an SATC episode ".. we could analyze this (tape) for years and never know. I mean... they still don't know who killed Kennedy." Which brings me to the point that indeed, overanalysis of things in one's life leads to much pressure. Pressure that would eventually lead to a more difficult job for my future facial mask. (read: wrinkles are not my thing, especially when they're on me)

I say blah! to the signs... take things in stride and go through life with poise.

On a more personal message: honey, thanks so much for always being there. It's going to be tough but I know it will just be a walk in the park. :) I love you!

from the Jealousy Test.

Thank God!

Results of the Jealousy Test
General Index
Your score = 17

What does your score mean?
Most people who are involved in an important relationship carry a certain amount of fear and feel threatened by the possibility of being displaced and losing a partner to someone else. After all, these things happen, and when they do, it is usually very painful. Very few people display a blatant lack of jealousy. In your case, the lack is not blatant. Nevertheless, you appear to be a person in whom jealousy can be evoked but who does not live in a permanent state of fear of losing the loved one. If you were honest with yourself while taking the test, this means that you are secure, strong, independent and rational enough to perceive the possibility of losing your partner to someone else not extremely threatening. That does not mean that you do not care; you would certainly be sad or crushed as anybody else. However, you know that if it ever happens, you will survive with your self-esteem intact, with your head up and with dignity. You realize that even though you might love your partner very much, s/he is not the only compatible creature on earth, and that you would eventually find happiness with someone else. Such feelings give you a sense of security and the strength to trust, and allow you to be comfortable in the relationship. That, in turn, boosts the chances of a lasting and fulfilling relationship. See the subscores below for a more detailed analysis.

Jealousy and your emotions/thinking patterns
Your score = 18

At both the emotional and cognitive level, you seem to be relatively in control. Your test score shows that when it comes to trusting your partner, you are a downright pragmatic. You do not expect too much, nor do you expect too little. You are capable of dealing with the fact that your partner interacts with people s/he might find physically or spiritually attractive. You don't, however, get upset about minor things.

Building up your level of trust would enable you to feel more secure and in control. You could avoid feeling anxious, hurt and betrayed because of things that do not warrant such strong emotions. This would result in a much stronger, healthier relationship both for you and your partner.

Jealous behavior
Your score = 14

You seem to do the right thing in many situations, but often you do not. It is true that sometimes a little bit of jealousy can put a spark into a relationship. However, it is a dangerous weapon that might easily be used against you. As such, you had better keep it under control.

From the viewpoint of a partner, jealousy is generally very unbecoming. More often than not, it can spoil the relationship to the point of a breakup. Ironically, jealousy, which originates in the fear of losing your mate, might result in exactly that.

It is certainly hard to behave as a perfect gentleman/lady when you are burning inside. However, the pain will eventually subside if you decide to work on it. You can learn to control jealous behavior through detecting the first signs and making a conscious decision not to take the shortcut to your regular pattern. With some training, you will be able to recognize and block the behavior before it starts. However, that alone will not do it. You need to address the underlying insecurity, which most likely comes from a low self-esteem. When you stop feeling and behaving as if your mate was doing you a favor by being with you, you will grow - in your own eyes, and your partner's probably too. If your mate thrives on your jealousy, then it is a pretty safe guess that s/he has a problem that needs to be addressed and that your relationship has an unhealthy element.

Irrational jealousy
Your score = 13

While you do not get extremely upset about innocent circumstances, you do sometimes overreact to harmless situations. You may recognize that you are not always being entirely rational, but you have an emotional reaction nonetheless. If you have troubles distinguishing innocent actions from potential betrayal, try to put yourself in the shoes of a bystander, someone looking in on the situation. Many situations will not appear as threatening when you are not the one directly involved. Try to keep that perspective when you reassess the situation. I can assure you that it will pay off in the improvement of your love life.

Dependency issues
Your score = 8

You do not seem to have any dependence problems. You feel you are an individual separate from your partner, and you do not depend solely on him/her for gratification of all your needs. That is very healthy.

Self-esteem issues
Your score = 12

It appears that you do not have any serious self-esteem problems, at least not when your love life is concerned.

Control issues
Number of endorsed controlling statements: 1

You appear to display controlling behavior to some degree. You might be controlling in different ways: by limiting your partner from a position of strength (physical or psychological) or from a position of weakness in a passive aggressive way. In your case, the problem is not extremely serious, but it can be resented by your partner anyway. You should take a critical look at yourself and do something about it.

Talking to myself... has it ever occured to you what you have gotten yourself into. Your life is suddenly co-dependent with your boyfriend. That's not how it's supposed to be. A person should always be independent no matter what. One's life should never be dissected in a way that a part of you will be dependent on something, or someone, ever!

It's a beginning, that's why you are afraid, confused, pissed. Your boyfriend is less available than usual. Things can't be the same. Deal with it. Whatever is going to happen will test your relationship.

Me talking... it's just so fucking stupid to see things the way I'm seeing them. Not being able to move on with the relationship in a better way (meaning make each other more available) because of a friggin' membership. Fuck this. And what I do not like about this whole thing is the fact that I was not thought of in the entire time of the decision process, if I was, I wasn't a major factor in it. I was an obligation that can be dealt with later on after the decision has been made.

Sometimes I think he's doing it out of spite. Spite from the fact that lately I have been less available. So it seems as if he's turning the tables. I really hope it's not what I think it is. Plus what's bugging me is this whole Saturday thing my guy had with this guy who I have no other info about except that he's a friend of an "ex-date" who's interested in things my boyfriend is interested in as well. Not even getting word about what they were up to except for a message that he was already on his way home at like 9PM. I know I'm not supposed to be thinking of other things aside from the fact that he's out with a guy I barely even know (mind you ... just one guy).

Talking to myself again... and what of you going out with other people later than 9PM?

... uhm, those people are friends of mine and God knows I never end up with friends (meaning, friends I have considered as if they were my brothers or "sisters"). If it were with non-close friends I would be with office folks... (note, plural form folks... which doesn't mean I have orgies with them)

I'm just a wreck today. I thought I was on top of things last night but it's such a hard thing to deal with. He can say sorry but what does that give me. The best and most mature thing to do is to try it out first before I pass judgement on our relationship, that it won't work. I'm really for seeing how it works out. But honestly, I don't know how... yet.

... you'll eventually know what to do. Things will just happen, you have no control of them so they will just happen. There's no harm in hoping, hoping that they will get better.

P.S. Now I'm concerned that I have a psychological disorder... I am schizoprenic... augh!!!

This is sooooo cool... :)





I'm David, who are you? Six Feet Under Quiz by Turi.

What a day... first my journal almost got kapoot! Then I found out my work got deleted. I had to redo this module from scratch. It was actually quite tough as the last time I completed the code was more than a month ago and there are certain things which I can't really store for long in my brain. Good thing I was able to get some help to complete the module.

I have to finish two more tomorrow. I have to finish them! Can't wait for my friend's wedding this Saturday. I'll probably get a haircut soon. We'll see. Got to go. I have to meet up with a friend at the Alabang Town Center. I'm gonna be her stylist for the night. Ha ha ha!

Thanks to my friend from work I now have a funky guestbook... :)

Listen to this amazing song... check out the lyrics...
Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer

Saw this at a website I chanced upon. It mentions things a boyfriend or girlfriend should do... not sure if this is too ideal of a scenario...
[1] Call the next day
[2] Always laugh at his jokes
[3] Tell him (truthfully) that you can't wait to see him again
[4] Offer a backrub, without asking for one in return
[5] Call him just to say you were thinking about her
[6] Bring him a teddy bear and chicken soup when he is sick
[7] Write him a poem
[8] Slow dance with him(not only on a dance floor)
[9] Bring him flowers for no reason
[10] Send him a (handwritten) letter just to say hello
[11] Always remember your anniversaries and bring him something sweet
[12] Kiss him in the middle of a sentence
[13] Take him for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars
[14] Tell him something about you that no one else knows
[15] Remind him that you still think he is cute
[16] Take a bubble bath together
[17] Watch a sappy movie with him
[18] Surprise him with a candlelight dinner
[19] Never stop trying to impress him
[20] Tell him you love him and mean it
[21] Never forget how much he means to you
[22] Give him great big hugs for no reason.

I know... I edited the thing just so that it applies to me... hehehehehe... I'm not giving hints... just thought that this list was cute. :)

Had so many thoughts last night and I don't know where to begin. Caught the last few minutes of Buffy but was really more excited with catching Charmed. I wasn't disappointed.

I loved the whole plot of the ability to change one's present by asking the future. It's something I have constantly thought of. Me wondering where I'd be in X no. of years. What to do in case I end up being poor and lonely or something like that. Back to Charmed, it's good to see Paige is getting the hang of her orbing thing. I can't wait till these girls get really uber powerful. :)

Then it was off to chatting with my honey. We had a mini discussion on how we are different when it comes to dealing with people for the first time. He said that he would want to get to know a person through "prying". (of course I'm sure he didn't mean for it to sound so negative) I, on the other hand, would listen to people converse (if I'm in a group). I want to get to know how people think, how their minds work. I get to know about that by listening to them speak. What words they use. What gestures they make (if they even make gestures... usually they'd be gay if they do hehehehe).

We proceeded to him asking me why I sing. At first I thought it was a simple question with a simple answer. But when I thought about it later on, it was so much more than that... it was as if I was asked why I breathe. I sing because it is in my nature. I was born with it. It is me. It's not just a talent I was fortunate enough to have, it is me. I derive pleasure from hearing my voice when I hit long lines from a Mendelssohn piece or doing runs from Handel's Messiah. I am enthralled at how people gain much satisfaction from hearing me sing. I like it when I entertain people.

I got to watch Oprah last night and was surprised that Cher was the guest. I was struck with the words she uttered. She said something about what she feels and what she likes about her job... her life. She said something like, she enjoys performing in front of people because she feels like she's a minister in front of her audience, her flock. She gets to be in that moment where she can feel every emotion from each audience member. She's able to impart feelings of comfort through her songs to her audience. And then I thought, that's exactly what it is. It's the ability to be in the moment and know that you have touched someone's life or a group of lives. You have shown the audience emotions through song/s.

Found myself with a bit of a cold today. I hate colds. Especially those that are on just one side of your nose. It's so hard to coordinate one's breathing!

Arrived an hour early, killed time by thinking of how I was going to attack that initial G note.. or was that an A flat. God knows. Anyway, went around the GSIS building to get me some water. Got back to the audition venue with a bottle of mineral water on one hand and bag, umbrella and music sheet on the other. I was filled with confidence at that moment.

Things just went by so fast and what do you know, I'm already on stage, about to start singing. I hit the first note of my song with a bit of strain but I knew I wasn't flat. I was about to hit a high B until a voice from the panel's section said "can we have him do a range check". I'm like "what the hell is he talking about?" What range check? I'm a friggin' tenor 1! Did a three scales and hit the notes exactly as they were hit on the piano. And then I hear a "thank you... " and I was a bit crushed. Questions came to my head... what did I do wrong? is my voice not fit for your friggin' musical? i've performed for royalty god dammit! But then, it subsided, my injured pride healed immediately. I just thought that my voice really wasn't meant for their musical. It's too refined. It came out too molded. Oh well, I'll still try out in other theater productions but will remain a full blooded choir boy. :) Like I said to a friend of mine, I have a feeling my voice ain't Elton John material. It's for Rachmaninov, Tschaikovsky, Poulence, and Penderecki. :)

Today's the day... I'm nervous as hell. I'm just focusing on later. I can't even do work. I'm so excited and eager to finish the audition. God help me!