Talking to myself... has it ever occured to you what you have gotten yourself into. Your life is suddenly co-dependent with your boyfriend. That's not how it's supposed to be. A person should always be independent no matter what. One's life should never be dissected in a way that a part of you will be dependent on something, or someone, ever!

It's a beginning, that's why you are afraid, confused, pissed. Your boyfriend is less available than usual. Things can't be the same. Deal with it. Whatever is going to happen will test your relationship.

Me talking... it's just so fucking stupid to see things the way I'm seeing them. Not being able to move on with the relationship in a better way (meaning make each other more available) because of a friggin' membership. Fuck this. And what I do not like about this whole thing is the fact that I was not thought of in the entire time of the decision process, if I was, I wasn't a major factor in it. I was an obligation that can be dealt with later on after the decision has been made.

Sometimes I think he's doing it out of spite. Spite from the fact that lately I have been less available. So it seems as if he's turning the tables. I really hope it's not what I think it is. Plus what's bugging me is this whole Saturday thing my guy had with this guy who I have no other info about except that he's a friend of an "ex-date" who's interested in things my boyfriend is interested in as well. Not even getting word about what they were up to except for a message that he was already on his way home at like 9PM. I know I'm not supposed to be thinking of other things aside from the fact that he's out with a guy I barely even know (mind you ... just one guy).

Talking to myself again... and what of you going out with other people later than 9PM?

... uhm, those people are friends of mine and God knows I never end up with friends (meaning, friends I have considered as if they were my brothers or "sisters"). If it were with non-close friends I would be with office folks... (note, plural form folks... which doesn't mean I have orgies with them)

I'm just a wreck today. I thought I was on top of things last night but it's such a hard thing to deal with. He can say sorry but what does that give me. The best and most mature thing to do is to try it out first before I pass judgement on our relationship, that it won't work. I'm really for seeing how it works out. But honestly, I don't know how... yet.

... you'll eventually know what to do. Things will just happen, you have no control of them so they will just happen. There's no harm in hoping, hoping that they will get better.

P.S. Now I'm concerned that I have a psychological disorder... I am schizoprenic... augh!!!