Sometimes people tend to find out that how they deal with their own selves is evident of how they deal with others.

A good example is moi. I feel as though I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I always end up giving myself a tough time when I don't achieve what I want to achieve. I'm very hard on myself when I feel like I can't deliver something I've set my goals on.

This kind of pressure on me has somehow been exhibited on the expectations I have of people around me. Maybe not in the exact same way but more of I expect people to be their best. This is one thing I have yet to get rid of.

Earlier today I heard on the radio that a writing competition was opened for budding writers of novels, shorts stories, etc. I immediately thought of Jagard. He comes to mind simple because I think and feel that his writing is most unusual to me. I have constantly noted how much of a writer he is and always remind myself that he is one talented guy. After informing him of the competition, I was initially excited that he showed some form of curiousity about how to join the contest. After sending him a message containing info of what I got from the radio commercial, he sent back a message that really got me to sigh. (as he expected). He expressed concerns of not being able to be at par with the other particpants and all that stuff. Initially, I was aback by that statement, thinking "why would that be his initial frame of mind". It never made me understand why there are people who just end up thinking bad thoughts about probable endeavours.

Lucky for me, I just underwent training that helped me understand where Jagard was coming from. When I found the time to drop him a line, I immediately took the chance. What I got from the conversation was that his main concern is not to perform well and not liking the whole experience. He's also saying something about his preference of knowing that a number of people find his way of writing very impressive rather than knowing that he would not fair well in a competition.

I guess it was also hard for me to understand that because I'm a person who's gone through so many competitions since I was young. Elementary, High School, College and even now at work. Academic, Non Academic, name it and i've probably joined it once. That's most of the reason why I'm not seeing Jagard's point of view. I reason I've participated in so many competitions is because of my motivation to succeed all the time and just beat the hell out of the others. Probably because of I was initially insecure about my sexuality and I tried to prove my worth through these competitions. Winning equalled acceptance.

I'm blabbing. I probably need to shut up now. Gotta call Chicago!